Let us be the last people on Earth to actually get ’round to mentioning Elton John’s new baby boy shall we? Congratulation Elton. You’ll be covered in Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John’s faeces in no time at all.
Of course, we’re very progressive on hecklerspray and think it is just great that the world has come such a long way that homosexuals now have the equal right to child induced misery as straight folks. Why should straight people be the only ones to have their lives utterly ruined by children?
Anyway, Elton and David Furnish have now got a crying swine in their lives, leaving people to make lazy observational jokes like ‘Har har! Which one is mother then?’ Well, the answer is David Furnish is the mother. So there. It’s all there in black and white.
That’s right. On the documentation for Zachary Million Names John, Furnish has been named the “mother” with Elton (real name Cliff Richard) down as dad.
Of course, this saw us believing briefly that Elton had thrown a massive hissy fit and forced Furnish into sewing a pig’s womb into his stomach and carry the baby around inside it for a week or two, culminating in some horrendous birth-theatre where Furnish was to go into a faux labour and push out the child while screaming in agony as Elton attached jump-leads to the thin film of colon skin, just to make the anguished howls as authentic as possible.
Alas, the real story is much more boring. The child was born on Christmas Day to a surrogate mother in California.
And how is Elton celebrating being a new father? Well, he’s doing what any loving parent would do and pissing off on a six month tour of the world. Aww. That’s what we call doting. We suppose that Elton has to raise funds to pay for the vast army of childcare staff who will raise this child. Still, we bet he’s over the moon.
Naturally, some dick threw his oar in. The meddling dick in question is called Norman Wells, director of Family and Youth Concern, who said:
?There is a concern that the child will be treated as a commodity.
?The amount of travelling they do does raise the question as to why they would want a child if they are not going to be at home to care for it.?
We’re assuming that Norman made similar comments about other famous people who have children and go on tour, rather than singling out Elton John because he’s a gay. And yes, even though we made the same point earlier, we’re happy to state that we would have made that joke about Bono if he were able to sire children without arousing himself without staring at photos of his own face.
Anyway, in practical terms, this all leads to two important points. The first is that birth certificates in gay surrogacy cases can be changed from “mother” and “father” to Parent 1 and Parent 2 on request, which is nice. Secondly, is that Elton John is clearly a tight fisted shit because he had a child born on Christmas Day which means he only has to buy his new child presents once a year.
Git.
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