David Blaine Bellyaches Like A Girl About Being Kept Underwater

Poor old David Blaine. All he wants is a quiet life, maybe an easy job in a bank or something, but something keeps making him do ridiculous things like staying underwater for eight days.

And, oh God, does he ever bitch about it. With just one day left in his confusing 'live in a bubble full of water for a week for no apparent reason' stunt, all David Blaine seems to be doing is complain about how much it hurts. Blah blah blah - shut up and stay underwater, magic man.

We all have our little hobbies. Some of us like to throw pottery, some of us like to painstakingly build tiny villages out of matchsticks and then destroy them underneath our bare feet while we laugh like all-powerful gods, and some people - like David Blaine - like to bum around for a week in a giant water-filled bubble. And then complaining about it incessantly.

You see, being exposed to water for a week takes a terrible toll on the human body. Or so we've heard - we've never had a wash in our freaking lives. But, to listen to David Blaine bellyache about what the wet stuff is putting him through, we can't help from feeling sorry for him. At least we would if he wasn't a smug millionaire who does magic tricks that we'd quite like to punch. Speaking to ABC News, Blaine said:

"I think the time has started to really take its toll on my body. It
has started to become horrific in many, many ways. Every
muscle doesn't just ache, it feels like a sharp, shooting pain, like a
knife being stabbed."

Poor baby. David Blaine had been furiously training for the bubble stunt, losing weight with Navy Seals and optimising his body to use less oxygen, but he obviously hadn't been expecting the agony of getting a bit wet. As well as the usual ache, Blaine's skin has shrivelled and pruned, and his muscles have started to atrophy. Things are getting so bad for David Blaine that he's worried that his big finale - holding his breath for nine minutes while he breaks out of some chains - might not be able to go ahead:

"I don't think it's permanent, but I've never felt this kind of pain in a stunt before… I was basically doing breath holds on my own up 'til recently but now my long, everything, feels weaker than normal… I usually pull through at the end with some kind of adrenaline rush."

If you don't know, that's magical code for "Please watch my big televised live finale. I'm not going to die even though you think I might, and the advertising cash is going to fund my next stunt, where I dick about on a luxury yacht for a year."

Read more:

Underwater Stunt Brings Gruelling Pain For David Blaine - ABC

[story by Stuart Heritage]