David Arquette, a man who could be seen hanging out of the back of a nubile young waitress before he’d even started divorce proceedings with Courteney ‘Too Many Es In Her First Name’ Cox, is a simpleton.
Every time he appears, with his face that is simultaneously aged and like that of a baby, he starts talking with his mouth, but without his brain. Americans, it’s what you call ‘kinda kooky’. We call it ‘impressively dimwitted’.
And he’s talking again! That’s right! David Arquette has told excellent secret-keeper, Oprah Winfrey, that he suspected his estranged wife, Courteney ‘The Least Likeable One Off Friends’ Cox, was having an extra-marital affair with a Cougar Town co-star.
In the interview with Oprah ‘It’s Alright, I Won’t Tell Anyone’ Winfrey, the mildly successful actor said that reports in the press linking Cox and Brian Van Holt convinced him all kinds of certain that she was cheating on him. In a bed. With no clothes on. Doing the in/out business. With orgasms.
He said:
“There were tabloid stories coming out about her and someone on her show having, you know, an affair.
“I thought she was having an affair with someone. Nobody would’ve said something like that if she weren’t.
Really? Is that how the press work with the celebrities? That’s wonderful news. That means people might start passing off our next paragraph as fact.
Arquette, with his arse almost entirely ablaze and wearing a mask that resembled a weeping wheelbarrow with a cleft palate, to disguise the fact he’d coloured his face in bright yellow with a highlighter pen, said:
“I was angry with…the dynamic of our relationship. I was angry with my wife.”
We shouldn’t mock though. Arquette has had an agonisingly tough time. Looking resplendent in ballerina slippers and waving his robotic arms around furiously, he opined:
“She came down really depressed one day, and was like ‘I’m really just not happy’. I felt really sort of abandoned at that point. A deal is a deal.”
Don’t worry reader… we’re calling him a Waaaaaaaaaaahmbulance right now.
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