Hey, everyone, Dancing With The Stars is back! No, wait, don’t leave, that’s good news. No, really, it is.
The show has something for everyone. If you like dancing, there’s dancing. If you like bizarre costumes that tend to make people you used to admire look like a cross between a low-budget prostitute and a cartoon of a little Dutch girl, then there’s that. And if you like stars, then… well, actually this is where Dancing With The Stars usually falls down. The contestants are often so painfully obscure that if you’ve even heard of four of them it feels like an enormous moral triumph.
But this year Dancing With The Stars has pulled out all the stops and hired celebrities who you will have definitely heard of. They’re all genuinely awful human beings, but at least you’ll know who they are. And that’s something, right? Full Dancing With The Stars line-up after the jump…
Bristol Palin – Daughter of Sarah Palin and mother of that kid she had when she was supposed to be promoting abstinence all over the place. Can Bristol juggle her gruelling dance training with the demands of caring for her dribbling, wailing, attention-seeking dependent? By which we obviously mean Sarah Palin. Ha ha ha. Satire.
David Hasselhoff – The world’s best-loved alcoholic. Forget winning or losing, everyone really wants to know how long it’ll be before Hasselhoff turns up to the recording drunk, makes a hopeless fool out of himself, tries to paper over the mess he’s made of everything by forlornly calling himself ‘The Hoff’ a lot and then bursts into tears. Our guess? Two weeks.
The Situation – From Jersey Shore, that show you’ve never watched but pretend that you do because you’re the editor of a celebrity website and you’re supposed to be into crap like this.
Brandy – Like David Hasselhoff, Brandy used to be a judge on America’s Got Talent. We know what you’re thinking. We’re also glad that Piers Morgan isn’t here.
Michael Bolton – MICHAEL FUCKING BOLTON. That is all.
Jennifer Grey – The one from Dirty Dancing who isn’t dead. Also, the one from Dirty Dancing who you probably assumed was dead.
Audrina Partridge – The woman from The Hills. No, not that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one. The other one. No, not that one. The one next to her. Her.
Florence Anderson – This year’s token Hilarious Pensioner, a role that Dancing With The Stars is determined to maintain until someone falls over and shatters their hip.
Kurt Warner – This year’s Retired American Footballer Who Will Definitely Finish Dancing With The Stars In Third Place Because They All Do So What’s The Sodding Point Of Him Even Turning Up?
Rick Fox – We don’t know who this is, but he’s almost definitely not a real fox. A disappointment.
Margaret Cho – A comedian who, according to Wikipedia, cites Bill Hicks as an influence. Sadly Bill Hicks didn’t live long enough to ever appear on Dancing With The Stars, a fact that causes great pain to his loyal fanbase.
Kyle Massey – Kyle Massey was born in 1991. With that in mind, we hate him.
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