This year’s Dancing With The Stars will feature the likes of Bristol Palin, The Situation and Michael Bolton.
But that’s not why you’ll watch it. No. You’re only going to watch Dancing With The Stars for David Hasselhoff, aren’t you? It’s OK, you can admit it. You’ll either watch it because you genuinely appreciated David Hasselhoff’s work on Knight Rider and Baywatch, or because you’re an ironic fan of David Hasselhoff’s ironic ‘Hoff’ persona, or because you want to see David Hasselhoff turn up drunk, start a fight with the gay Italian and then roll around on the floor urinating everywhere.
But what if you want to see David Hasselhoff do everything in his power to try and have sex with his Dancing With The Stars partner? Don’t worry, he’s got that angle covered as well. It was obviously a massive risk on the part of the Dancing With The Stars producers to hire David Hasselhoff. Don’t forget, David Hasselhoff is perhaps best-known for not being able to eat a hamburger off the floor properly so, by attempting something as complex as ballroom dancing, there’s a very real chance that he could end up dislocating every single bone in his body.
Not that David Hasselhoff cares about that, anyway. He’s only going on Dancing With The Stars for the poontang. No, really. E! Online reports:
“My daughters are the ones who talked me into this, and they said, ‘if you get this certain dance partner, you’re going to be very happy.’ And when I met the dance partner, I was smiling for a long time,” David said with a grin too big to be just for show. Uh-oh. The hookup rumors are starting before a single sequined pantsuit has been donned.
Now, we don’t know who David Hasselhoff’s Dancing With The Stars partner is – partly because she hasn’t been announced yet, and because because we really can’t bring ourselves to care – but, on the simple basis that she’s a female member of the professional Dancing With The Stars team, we’re going to guess that she’s tall, slim, coated in a thick nut-coloured Ronseal mixture and has about 4,000 more teeth than she would ever actually need. Or maybe, because David Hasselhoff loves her, she might be a talking car. We just don’t know.
Still, this news has suddenly made Dancing With The Stars a lot more appealing. As the relationship between David Hasselhoff and his partner develops, we’re bound to see a lot more brand new dance moves from them, including the Sneaky Non-Consensual Grope, the Restraining Order Threat and the Oh God Your Breath Smells Like Alcohol Again Look At Yourself You Disgust Me. We can’t wait.