Recently, not a day has gone by without a healthy dose of speculation regarding the relationship between Chris Brown and Rihanna. Whether it is morbid curiosity, legitimate disgust, or not having anything better to worry about, people are incredibly interested in them.
Even I’m not immune to keeping an eye on the Increasingly Poor Decisions of Rihanna starring David Cross, as I always find it interesting to see a mutli-millionaire public icon make the same bad life choices that broke waitresses I went to high school with do.
One thing we shouldn’t forget, other than the fact nobody should really actually give a shit about either of these people and what generically terrible relationship decisions these two make, is that it could always be worse.
I mean, they could be a 16 year old high school student with intense personality issues and a significantly older gentleman with stalking tendencies who wants to control her.
Bella & Edward
Oh hey, speak of the devil.
At least their real life relationship is going well, last time I checked.
Sweeney Todd & Miss Lovett
Some couples bond over liking the same crappy TV shows, some couples bond over having the same boring socially acceptable past times, and some couples bond over killing people with barber instruments and then using them as the secret recipe for incredibly popular meat pies. Only one of those three options makes a good Tim Burton film. The other two can’t get put on a lunchbox to be sold in Hot Topic.
Starbuck & Apollo
When the SciFi channel decided to remake the 70s space drama Battlestar Galactica in the darker and edgier 2000s, they decided the second thing they should do after gender swapping Starbuck is to replace all the 70s camp with the complicated web spun by a guy who is in love with a girl who was engaged to his dead brother. Then they both get married to other people.
Oh and robots are trying to kill their entire species. That probably isn’t the best situation to develop a stable relationship.
Lester & Carolyn Burnham
If suburbia drives you so crazy that your reactions to a failing marriage are to become obsessed with a high school cheerleader and not really give a crap when you find out your wife is cheating on you, maybe its about time to leave your middle management job and move to the city.
Max Payne & Any Woman That Ever Enters His Life
At one point in Max Payne 3, a strong contender for best game of 2012 no matter what anybody else tries to tell you, Max Payne points out a trend in his life in the devastatingly self aware way only Max Payne can – “Here I was, halfway around the world, standing over the dead body of another girl I had been trying to protect.”
The 100% accuracy of that observation doesn’t bode well for Max’s dating life.
King Arthur & Queen Guinevere
It might not be uncommon for somebody to have their significant other cheat on them, and it might be more common than it should be to have them cheat on you with someone you actually know, maybe even your best friend, but the difference is that the biggest consequence for you is having to deal with the influx of faux-sympathy after you change your Facebook relationship status. When it happened to King Arthur it lead to his death and the fall of the greatest kingdom England had ever seen that was probably entirely fictional.
Harley Quinn & Joker
If you look up “dysfunctional” in the dictionary, you will probably get a succinct explanation of what dysfunctional means. What else would you expect? Its a dictionary. After you do that though, you’ll have a very solid grasp on why Harley Quinn and her beloved Mr. J deserve to be the main event of fucked up relationships. As he typical “sociopathic-criminal-clown-meets-asylum-psychiatrist-and-convinces-her-to-become-his-murderous-girlfriend” story, they’ve loved each other, they’ve hated each other, and they’ve tried to kill each other. Yet no matter what, they always find themselves back together.
You know what they say though, the couple that tries to kill a guy dressed like a bat in as convoluted a way as possible together, stays together.