Remember when George Michael was a successful singer? Remember those days when he would appear on our televisions and Alba stereo systems to open and close his mouth in a really tuneful way? Remember that?
Now he’s just a filthy criminal. He’s a number, not a human and hanging is too good for him or something. He’s a dirty little drug-rat who tried to kill a photo shop with a stupid name that was completely innocent.
However, despite selling millions of records, George Michael is no different from any other manky convict shitting in a bucket and suppressing the squeals of delight over the shared prison bongo mag. Not different AT ALL.
That’s what George Michael is saying anyway.
He’s spoken to his fans via his lawyer in a statement that says he’s not getting any special treatment while inside. Although, if we open our eyes a little wider, it’s obvious that George (real name Biggie Smalls) is probably getting different treatment from prison staff because he used to be famous.
The statement reads:
“I think it’s only fair to my fans, family and friends to respond in some way, even though I will be home soon.
“In the last three weeks there have been no tears, no anxiety, no bullying, in fact not so much as a sleepless night for me.
“I have been treated with kindness by fellow inmates and prison staff alike and as far as I can tell, have received no special treatment of any kind whatsoever – unless some of the guys here are letting me win at the pool table.
“Most of my days have been spent reading thousands of letters and postcards of incredible support form people around the world. I promise to repay their kindness with new music as soon as I can.”
Does George know what prison is? People are constantly bullied and suffer from anxiety attacks in prison… because prison is horrible. Treated with kindness too? Seriously George, you’re only going to feed the middle English who think that prison is one big holiday camp.
You dick.
Still, at least his cell probably looks like the bloke from Birdman of Alcatraz, only with crudely scrawled letters instead of birdies. Jesus. Imagine what’s in the correspondence. He’s slowly turning into a celebrity martyr akin to Michael Jackson.
We eagerly await the concept album about his time in the clink which sees Michael taking on the role of Godber, the intelligent and sensitive inmate taken in by a brutish but ultimately good-hearted con. Songs will include ‘Slop Pop’, ‘The Screws Are Alright’, ‘Kissing The Bean Slot’, ‘Jam Roll’ and ‘Listening To The Anguish Pain Of Sexual Offenders Being Attacked With Trays Filled With Boiling Water While I Pretend To Sleep’.
We can’t pissing wait.