It's the week before Christmas, and everything has that magical Christmassy glow to it – the streets are lined with snow, choirs of carol singers have gathered in the town square and Santa's waiting for you to hop up onto his jolly knee.
No, sorry, we got that completely wrong. What we meant was that the streets are lined with boozy puke from a million rubbish company Christmas parties, gangs of monosyllabic happyslappers with homemade knives have gathered in the town square and Santa's being questioned by the police on suspicion of being the Suffolk Strangler. Merry Christmas everyone!
In truth, nothing is more Christmassy than a good old-fashioned race to become Christmas number one. The Christmas number one has a special place in the hearts of the British people, and so over the next few days we'll be taking a closer look at some of the contenders hoping to be named as Christmas number one this coming Sunday before inevitably deciding that Leona Lewis is probably going to get it anyway and we needn't have bothered.
Here are the Christmas Number One betting odds for El Chombo, Andy Abraham featuring Michael Underwood and Eskimo Disco featuring Pingu…
El Chombo: Chacarron – Everybody, at one point or another, has succumbed to the lure of the novelty single in their time. We're ashamed to admit we own a copy of Cognoscenti Vs Intelligentsia by The Cuban Boys, for example. But Chacarron by El Chombo is almost illegally dreadful. You've heard it – it's that awful R&B tune with the deliberately mumbled gibberish lyrics that's been bought exclusively by people who would describe themselves to strangers as 'crazy'. Right now it looks deeply deeply unlikely that Chacarron by El Chombo will make it to be the Christmas number one, but that's missing the point. The point is that everyone who has bought Chacarron by El Chombo should hang the CD around their necks for all of 2007 so we know exactly who to happyslap with the breezeblock we'll be carrying around for all of next year. Current Christmas Number One Betting Odds – 12/1
Andy Abraham featuring Michael Underwood: December Brings Me Back To You – It's almost a done deal that this year's X Factor winner will end up scoring the Christmas number one, but that hasn't stopped last year's X Factor runner-up Andy Abraham – or Prawny Andy The Weeping Binman, as you probably know him – from having a crack at a Christmas number one. However, his single December Brings Me Back To You is just plain weird. It's a charity record, so we really shouldn't be too mean about it, but it's got Michael Underwood from GMTV singing on it. Michael Underwood. From GMTV. GMTV. We'd quite like to meet the person who thought that pitting a man who didn't win X Factor a year ago and a man who talks to people from Emmerdale for a living together to sing a song that sounds like a Nat King Cole cast-off would score them a Christmas number one. We get the feeling he's a twat. Current Christmas Number One Betting Odds – 10/1
Eskimo Disco Featuring Pingu: 7-11 – Imagine for a moment that you're a hardworking dance outfit. Already the odds of you being taken seriously are slim since nobody has really listened to dance music for the last three or four years, but you've carved out a small fanbase by constantly touring. And then you go and blow it by slipping out a horrible novelty single with a plasticine penguin that can't even form words properly in the video. We'd list all the horrible things about 7-11 by Eskimo Disco Featuring Pingu, but there literally isn't enough room on the internet, so here are just three. 1) 7-11 sounds like it was created on one of those music generators you get on pikey mobile phones, 2) It has a rap in it that sounds like it was done by your old geography teacher and 3) Pingu isn't even culturally relevant any more. Now, if the video had Charlie & Lola in it… Current Christmas Number One Betting Odds – 8/1
Tomorrow – the Christmas number one betting odds for All Angels, Ricky Tomlinson and McFly…