Chantelle and Coolio Wash Their Genitals in Ultimate Big Brother

Ultimate Big Brother has kicked off, making this last series (on Channel 4 at least) feel like it’s been transmitting for roughly a decade. So familiar are we with the Big Brother house, we’ve started to ring up our landlords to see what they’ve done with the turd shaped snug in our non-existent gardens.

Josie, of course, is another fixture in the house, standing rooted to that particular bit of London like a cross between a randy Tiny Tears doll and a miserable gnome. At least no chimps have torn her face off yet.

Of course, she’s got new people to talk to now, with Coolio seemingly desperate to stick his ageing penis into absolutely any available hole. This has left our Josie jaded and listless.


Look. Josie is crying. We can’t hug her and reassure her, so we’ll just have to watch her blub and jack-off to the grief porn or whatever it is you’re supposed to do in this situation.

No wonder she’s wailing. She’s watching Coolio play the decrepit lion role, picking off the weakest member of the group to gnash on with his stinking gums.

And look! It appears to be working! That’s Coolio and Chantelle wearing not much in a bath together! Maybe they’re scrubbing each other’s genitals in preparation for one last Big Brother dry-hump? But wait a minute…

…you won’t get much nookie with your ex-husband, Preston North End (or whatever he’s called) mooching about the place. Hey! It would have been your 4th wedding anniversary too! Only one thing for it. Assume the crying in the diary room position.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter