The Cautionary Tale of Jason London, Faded Actor and Pants-Shitter

jason-london-2If you’re an under-worked actor looking to get yourself back in the public eye, please know that there are much better, more hygienic, even more dignified ways to do so than the unfortunate tactic employed by former hottie, Jason London, who last weekend shat his pants in the back of a police car and followed it up by posing for the most brilliant mug shot in history.

It’s unlikely that anyone under 35 years old knows who Jason is, so let me tell you a little bit about him. He’s best known for playing the hunky quarterback “Pink” Floyd in 1993′s “Dazed and Confused” and for having a moderately more successful, if chubbier, identical twin brother. 

Since “Dazed and Confused,” Jason has been working pretty steadily, primarily on TV movies (like the upcoming Weiner Dog Nationals) but with bit parts in the occasional feature film, including one of the greatest movies ever: “To Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.”

Now that we’re all familiar, let’s move on to the events of this past Sunday. Jason and his wife were at a bar in Arizona and, allegedly, Jason sneezed on a bouncer … which is incredibly gross …. and instead of apologizing profusely and running off for a tissue, Jason punched the germ-splattered bouncer in the face. Jason was booted out and got his ass kicked in the process.

Sounds like he deserved it. The authorities were summoned and, while Jason’s wounds were being tended to, he “became belligerent and started cursing,” according to the police report, calling one of them a “fucking hillbilly,” another one a “faggot,” and repeatedly bragging of his celebrity status.

“I fucking love this. I fucking own you guys so hard. I’m rich and I’m a motherfucking famous actor! Fucking look me up, bitch.”

jason london mug shot
En route to the police station, Jason supposedly told the police officers:

“It smells like shit in your car and your breath smells like diarrhea.”

After which one of the officers witnessed him “lean to the left and defecate in his pants.” Then … and this is the best part … Jason said:

“I told you I’m happy as shit.”

Oddly enough, Jason claims that the report is untrue. He explained in a series of tweets:

“I was jumped by three 250 pound bouncers … some guy thought I was hitting on his girl and had me jumped. … The truth will win.”

The sad fact is that there’s no one on earth who doesn’t love a good pants-pooping celebrity story. True or not, it’s a gem.

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