TV News
Oprah Winfrey To Stop Patronising You In 2011
After two decades, several free cars and enough weight fluctuation to sculpt a small cellulite army, Oprah is done. Sort of done. Oprah Winfrey is leaving her show. But not until 2011. And then she's going to immediately start a new show somewhere else. But it's still sad news - without Oprah Winfrey around, where will we know which treacly, middle-brow books to read? Where will we discover what people look like after they've had their face torn off by monkeys? Where will we get our fill of needlessly excited women unintentionally screeching bizarre non-sequiturs at a roomful of strangers? Where will we be able to slowly lose the will to live? What? Tyra Banks? Oh, OK.
After two decades, several free cars and enough weight fluctuation to sculpt a small cellulite army, Oprah is done. Sort of done. Oprah Winfrey is leaving her show. But not until 2011. And then she's going to immediately start a new show somewhere else. But it's still sad news - without Oprah Winfrey around, where will we know which treacly, middle-brow books to read? Where will we discover what people look like after they've had their face torn off by monkeys? Where will we get our fill of needlessly excited women unintentionally screeching bizarre non-sequiturs at a roomful of strangers? Where will we be able to slowly lose the will to live? What? Tyra Banks? Oh, OK.
Gary Glitter To Be Hanged On TV For Our Amusement
Back in his heyday during the 1970’s, Gary Glitter pumped out shedloads of crap records. But then again, it was the seventies and at the time no-one really knew what was acceptable and what was absolute toss, so we can forgive him. However, what the majority of the world can’t forgive Gary Glitter for is his antics in Vietnam where he was convicted of doing horrible things to children and spent some time in prison. And now Channel 4 is going to hang him for being a paedophile. Fictitiously. Still, it’ll make better viewing than Big Brother.
Back in his heyday during the 1970’s, Gary Glitter pumped out shedloads of crap records. But then again, it was the seventies and at the time no-one really knew what was acceptable and what was absolute toss, so we can forgive him. However, what the majority of the world can’t forgive Gary Glitter for is his antics in Vietnam where he was convicted of doing horrible things to children and spent some time in prison. And now Channel 4 is going to hang him for being a paedophile. Fictitiously. Still, it’ll make better viewing than Big Brother.
Will Smith Wants To Jazz Up EastEnders
Everyone likes Will Smith. Christ, we can’t think of anyone who doesn’t love this not so fresh-faced rascal. Since growing up, Will Smith has taken on a variety of film roles. In Men In Black he saved the world from aliens. Likewise, Independence Day saw him repeat the same heroic feat. Come to think of it, didn’t the same thing kind of happen in I Am Legend? Taking a step back from this extra terrestrial creature stuff, Will wants to make an appearance on Eastenders. Quite likely to save Albert Square from Pat Butcher.
Everyone likes Will Smith. Christ, we can’t think of anyone who doesn’t love this not so fresh-faced rascal. Since growing up, Will Smith has taken on a variety of film roles. In Men In Black he saved the world from aliens. Likewise, Independence Day saw him repeat the same heroic feat. Come to think of it, didn’t the same thing kind of happen in I Am Legend? Taking a step back from this extra terrestrial creature stuff, Will wants to make an appearance on Eastenders. Quite likely to save Albert Square from Pat Butcher.
Ashlee Simpson Not Even Good Enough For Melrose Place Now
Getting people to watch the remade Melrose Place must be like putting a pig in a dress and asking strangers to hump it. How can you improve it? Short of burning it to the ground and praying that nobody remembers it even existed, you probably can't. But, hey the Melrose Place producers are a tenacious bunch, and they're not giving up without a fight. By which we mean they've sacked Ashlee Simpson. Makes sense. At least now we won't have to think of the show as Melrose Place: Starring Ashlee Simpson any more. It'll be Melrose Place: Starring, Oh, You Know, That Guy. You Know The One. That Guy Who Did That Thing. And A Girl. It's much better.
Getting people to watch the remade Melrose Place must be like putting a pig in a dress and asking strangers to hump it. How can you improve it? Short of burning it to the ground and praying that nobody remembers it even existed, you probably can't. But, hey the Melrose Place producers are a tenacious bunch, and they're not giving up without a fight. By which we mean they've sacked Ashlee Simpson. Makes sense. At least now we won't have to think of the show as Melrose Place: Starring Ashlee Simpson any more. It'll be Melrose Place: Starring, Oh, You Know, That Guy. You Know The One. That Guy Who Did That Thing. And A Girl. It's much better.
Kate Gosselin To Answer Questions From Her One Remaining Fan
Let's assume that Jon & Kate Plus 8 is dying. In which case, let us introduce you to its ghoulish death-rattle. You Ask, Kate Answers. That's right - next week's scheduled episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is being replaced by a special episode where Kate Gosselin will answer questions submitted by the show's viewers. Questions that we can only assume will include "Why won't you make it stop?", "My TV seems to be stuck on TLC and it's giving me a migraine - how can I change it to a channel that isn't so annoying?" and "WHY WON'T YOU MAKE IT STOP??"
Let's assume that Jon & Kate Plus 8 is dying. In which case, let us introduce you to its ghoulish death-rattle. You Ask, Kate Answers. That's right - next week's scheduled episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is being replaced by a special episode where Kate Gosselin will answer questions submitted by the show's viewers. Questions that we can only assume will include "Why won't you make it stop?", "My TV seems to be stuck on TLC and it's giving me a migraine - how can I change it to a channel that isn't so annoying?" and "WHY WON'T YOU MAKE IT STOP??"
Jon & Kate Plus 8 (Hopefully) Finished Forever (Hopefully)
All good things come to an end - and all crap things that star a couple of awful bellends come to an end, too. Yes, we mean Jon & Kate Plus 8. Apparently TLC has decided to ditch Jon & Kate Plus 8 in both its current and proposed Kate Plus 8 guises. So goodbye Jon and Kate Gosselin, you were one of a kind. You'll always be remembered as the fame-hungry couple dreadful enough to unblinkingly gamble away the well-being of your own children for a few moments of fleeting celebrity. Nobody could ever take your place. Except for the Balloon Boy family, obviously. Someone give them a reality show, pronto.
All good things come to an end - and all crap things that star a couple of awful bellends come to an end, too. Yes, we mean Jon & Kate Plus 8. Apparently TLC has decided to ditch Jon & Kate Plus 8 in both its current and proposed Kate Plus 8 guises. So goodbye Jon and Kate Gosselin, you were one of a kind. You'll always be remembered as the fame-hungry couple dreadful enough to unblinkingly gamble away the well-being of your own children for a few moments of fleeting celebrity. Nobody could ever take your place. Except for the Balloon Boy family, obviously. Someone give them a reality show, pronto.
The Cheryl Cole Won’t-Sing-Live Conundrum Solved!
Some of you might have noticed that over the course of the Rocky films, the gravel-voiced trainer with the face like a seriously chewed piece of gum never got into the ring. He'd happily bark at Sly Stallone, calling him a loser, telling him what to do, but that was it. And the reason was simple - if he'd stepped up to Apollo Creed himself, the old man would have be dead before he hit the floor. It's a story that now echoes the life of Cheryl Cole. Everyone seems to have been going bananas over the last few days, as Cole has wriggled and wormed her way out of performing her new solo song live on Saturday night's X Factor, even though she mentors a gaggle of live singers week in week out. And we all know why. She knows why. Literally everyone knows why. Yet, no one seems comfortable acknowledging that it's the right move.
Some of you might have noticed that over the course of the Rocky films, the gravel-voiced trainer with the face like a seriously chewed piece of gum never got into the ring. He'd happily bark at Sly Stallone, calling him a loser, telling him what to do, but that was it. And the reason was simple - if he'd stepped up to Apollo Creed himself, the old man would have be dead before he hit the floor. It's a story that now echoes the life of Cheryl Cole. Everyone seems to have been going bananas over the last few days, as Cole has wriggled and wormed her way out of performing her new solo song live on Saturday night's X Factor, even though she mentors a gaggle of live singers week in week out. And we all know why. She knows why. Literally everyone knows why. Yet, no one seems comfortable acknowledging that it's the right move.
Some Genius Gives Michael Vick A TV Show
Quickly - who's your favourite sports star ever to be imprisoned for running a genuinely nightmarish dogfighting ring? Michael Vick? We were going to say Michael Vick too! Jinx! What a small world the world of athletes imprisoned for running dogfighting rings is. Anyway, we're glad that Michael Vick ranked so highly for you, because he's getting his own reality TV show. We should reiterate that Michael Vick's TV show is not a show about dogfighting. Which is a shame, because it's traditionally quite difficult to find TV shows where dogs maim each other for public entertainment. Not counting Loose Women, obviously.
Quickly - who's your favourite sports star ever to be imprisoned for running a genuinely nightmarish dogfighting ring? Michael Vick? We were going to say Michael Vick too! Jinx! What a small world the world of athletes imprisoned for running dogfighting rings is. Anyway, we're glad that Michael Vick ranked so highly for you, because he's getting his own reality TV show. We should reiterate that Michael Vick's TV show is not a show about dogfighting. Which is a shame, because it's traditionally quite difficult to find TV shows where dogs maim each other for public entertainment. Not counting Loose Women, obviously.
