Death-threats have dogged Caroline Flack since everyone found out she’s allegedly been shagging Harry Styles from One Direction. Fans are furious and the rest of the world is doing small vomits in their mouths.
That’s because Harry Styles is a veritable child. He’s 17 and she’s 408 years old.
Of course, the Xtra Factor host isn’t phased by all the wrung hands, furrowed brows and deafening dry-heaves. That’s because she’s apparently already had sex with Olly Murs, which is worse than enjoying intercourse with Robert Mugabe and Genghis Khan’s corpse.
So, which perfectly sane and trustworthy person has spilled with beans about Flack’s dilated vagina?
IT’S LOUIS ‘NOT MENTAL AT ALL’ WALSH EVERYBODY!
Louis Walsh seemed to confirm that, during Saturday’s live Skype chat with Simon Cowell, Olly Murs threw his awful member up toward Flack’s mons pubis (to be said in a French accent like ‘Moh Poubee’).
After Simon asked what had gone on between the pair, Louis blurted out:
“It did, Simon”
Simon, half thinking about how much he enjoys his own moobs, raised an eyebrow and said:
“Olly, you look very guilty.”
If this is true, then Caroline Flack is clearly aroused by a sense of shame. Having sex with Olly Murs is surely like getting off with a jacket potato? Either way, this means, we can look forward to future stories about her sexual relations with James Blunt, Paul McMullan and Jim Davidson.
At the same time.
*vomits steadily*