Gutted. Not long into their relationship, Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez’s relationship has ended. Alex who? Well, all you need to know is that he looks like The Rock, only if The Rock was a vagabond in the desert, living off the flesh of cactuses and the powdery bone-marrow of those which had died there.
Basically he’s like The Rock but thinner. And single. Very, very single.
Of course, this is devastating news for us all because, as you know, everyone on Earth is required to take part in the ‘Diaz Minute’, where the world is unified for one moment where we all down tools and reflect on how great she is. We sit on our special Diaz Beanbags and quietly ponder about her happiness and we hope that, in her already painfully luxurious life, she’s greedy enough to be happy in love too. She isn’t. She’s probably crying in her kitchen now, surrounded by empty cans of treacly super-strength beer.
Naturally, this will be very painful to read for everyone… but not as painful as the whole thing is for the couple in question. And so, we’ll go to a ‘source’ to tell us all about it.
“They broke up a few days ago. He ended it”
Imagine! You’re a man who looks like Dwayne Johnson if he’d been raised by coyotes and having the audacity to dump one of the most coveted women the Nineties ever saw! What cheek! What grief inducing nerve! And he’s a stupid baseball player too! Running around with his hitting stick for the Yankees! God! What an unswerving pleb!
WAIT! It isn’t over yet!
“However, they have broken up and gotten back together before, so not sure it’s forever.”
Of course, there’s no comment from both parties reps, because presumably, they’ve got other clients who they’re quickly covering things up for.
We think it would be only fair for Diaz to acknowledge some of her stalkers in this tricky period and allow them into her house and have sex with them all in some tear-filled rebound sex-week.
It is the only thing that’s going to make a tedious story like this worth writing about.
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