In possibly the least surprising showbiz revelation since George Michael ‘revealed’ that he was gay (thus provoking worldwide shrugs of a nigh-on shoulder-breaking variety), pop puppet Britney Spears has finally managed to justify that ever-expanding belly of hers by officially announcing her pregnancy.
Turns out she wasn’t just fond of the Ginsters, then.
Britters utilised all of her cyber-skills and posted a message on her ridiculous website, thanking fans ‘for their thoughts and prayers‘ as she and husband Kev ‘finally came to share our wonderful news that we are expecting our first child together’.
So – there we go. It’s now set in stone. The Americans have finally got their very own Posh & Becks: an overwhelmingly talentless pair of ‘showbiz’ planks who now seem destined to continue firing out idiot-babies until the sun envelops the Earth (or until Jimmy Carr stops appearing on every television show conceivable … although hecklerspray is placing its bets firmly on the first option).
Maybe this is all just a matter of perception. Perhaps they aren’t the American Beckhams after all … perhaps they’re more of a kindred spirit with other British knucklehead pairing Wayne Rooney and Colleen. Do they even have a word for ‘chav’ on that side of the Atlantic? Redneck, maybe? Or do they just prefer the more straightforward ‘moron’?
God only knows what embarassing name the poor little sprog is going to end up getting – no doubt something like ‘Moonbeam’ or ‘Flowergirl’ or – assuming the right amount of money is laid on the table – ‘Pepsi’.
Rest assured we’ll be seeing every tabloid-chronicled step this upcoming Devil Child has to make. Birth? Teething? First Day at school? Just imagine all the column inches, laid out before us like a billon-mile stretch of celebrity railway track. The 3am Girls must be pissing themselves in excitement.
The rest of us, hecklerspray sighingly announces, can only sit back and watch the horror unfold …
Mr. Reuters And His News Chums Can Tell You More
[Story by C J Davies]