Now that guy called Bronco Bama has won against the Mormon who loves big underpants we can finally get back to our regular posting schedule, and bring you what you want: undiluted, salacious gossip about celebrities. And what better way than to present to you the latest contestants in ITV1’s gagathon, I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!
We were respectable, taking a day-long posting break so that our American friends could vote with impunity, but now we’re getting back to the best of British. Ant and Dec will be narrating the lives of these celebrities, who are rumoured to be going into the jungle.
I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here is a reality television game show series in which 8 to 15 celebrities live together in a jungle environment for a few weeks. They have no luxuries, and compete to be crowned king or queen of the jungle. The first episode aired in 2002 and is now about to start its 12th series in the United Kingdom.
Nadine Dorries, MP
Hilariously, Member of Parliament Nadine Dorries might actually soon be ex-MP Nadine Dorries, if those remaining behind in Westminster have anything to do with it. She has been castigated for swanning off to Australia while still being paid for her parliamentary work (and, you know, for leaving the people she represents without a voice for two and a bit weeks).
Representing the large-chested eye candy, Helen Flanagan (the one off Coronation Street that was underage then became of age and the nation collectively perved) will take the Myleene Klass role this year it seems, her main role being parlaying flaunting her body into a year of presenting daytime television competition segments. And you know what? I’m absolutely fine with that. In fact, I will likely watch the show for her alone.
Milking her 15 minutes of fame for several months has been difficult for Katrina Darling (also known as that stripper who is tenuously related to Kate Middleton). She’s hoping to continue it in Australia for a little longer. If anything, Darling isthe'dictionary definition of the non-celeb celeb.
Does anyone know who darts champion Eric Bristow is? No, me neither. Quite why he’s here, I don’t know. Maybe he knows one of the producers? He could prove handy though: he might be able to use his mad darts skillz to kill wildlife to cook.
Professional lazy-eyed reality TV toff Hugo Taylor may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer of sterling silver place settings bequeathed by his posho dad, but tweeting that you’re going to Australia and won’t be back until December does really act as a massive spoiler to whether or not you’re going in the jungle.
Remember when Linda Robson was in that really popular TV show, Birds of a Feather? Yeah, that was 20 years ago. So now definitely is the right time to lurch back into the spotlight with a stint on I’m A Celebrity. Expect Made in Chelsea’s Hugo Taylor and Robson to argue over how to pronounce major London landmarks, and the culture clash that comes from being privileged and not.
Ricky Groves, Trinny and Susannah, Maria Fowler, Matthew Hoggard, David Haye, Ashley Roberts, Charley Brooks, Brian Conley – do we care about any of these people? They’re there to make weight for the already flimsy main stars of the show outlined above. Most likely they’ll add precisely nothing (though it has to be asked: does anyone really contribute to this dross?) and go home for an interview on This Morning then fade back into insignificance. There is one though. One person who could make it great (but we warn you: he has been linked with every reality TV show for the past decade and hasn’t turned up yet)…