Something horrible has happened. Bob Barker got sucked into his giant spinning game-show wheel. To make matters worse, when it stopped spinning he only had 35 cents.
And the set of The Price Is Right, the set knew. It knew and it was angry. It was as if televised game-show hell erupted, bringing with it 15 minutes of absolute pandemonium and life-threatening chaos. Plinko chips hovered menacingly over the audience, oversized face cards spontaneously combusted, and one of those Barker babes was gutted by a land rover.
When Bob Barker's tiny microphone first got snagged in that spinning wheel and jerked him in, the world was taken aback. Not us though, we recognise inter-game show rivalries when we see it. Sure, Meredith Vieira may issue a press release expressing some sort of condolence, but if anyone held that condolence really close to their nose and sniffed – it'd smell of Barker-blood!
Oh wait. Barker's not dead, he's just quitting – after 35 long years as host of The Price Is Right. Yes, Bob Barker is not dead at all and Meredith Vieira didn't kill nobody. That's not double talk, our English is just that poor.
Bob Barker, the most cherished and loved talk show host this side of evolution, is stepping down as host of the hit American game show The Price is Right. Several day-time TV circles elude to the step-down possibly being related to an intricate power-grab enacted by Meredith Vieira and Al from Home Improvement, but these allegations have been pretty thoroughly proven to have been made-up only seconds ago.
The real reason Barker is vacating his throne is he's 82. Well that's the unofficial reason actually, the reason given to the public is that he's leaving "to pursue his charitable interests". And movies. That's true, Barker really did say he'd entertain movie offers. Rumour has it he's hoping to headline Entrapment 2. The plot is said to revolve around Catherine Zeta-Jones making love to another old man. Hey – that's just her shtick, ok!
CBS President Lesley Moonves said of Barker's abdication:
"We knew this day would come but that doesn't make it any easier. Bob Barker is a daytime legend, an entertainment icon and one of the most beloved television personalities of our time."
Alright, so in summary Bob Barker's not dead, Merideth Vieira's innocent, and the president of CBS has a first name that really implies weakness and girly habits. Summary complete.
Oh, and one other thing – Paris Hilton has a nod as a possible replacement. Or maybe we're confused again. Our notes got all shuffled by a man with a push-broom.