You may find this hard to believe but the hecklerspray staff are hideous. It’s true. We’re not a pretty bunch of misanthropes. We’re so ugly in fact, that none of us are able to get a date with anyone who has at least one functioning eye and if we were ever forced to mate with each other, our offspring would look like Michael Berryman, but much shorter and with considerably more hair.
So when we hear about beautiful people who are touching the bottoms of other beautiful people, it makes us terribly unhappy and we feel the need to make fun of them for your amusement, safe in the knowledge that we’ve made fun of ourselves first before you can respond with something annoyingly lame and probably in text speak.
Let’s do this.
Horribly attractive stars Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds have been spotted in public, walking around with hats and sunglasses on and drinking coffee which obviously means they are engaging in really dull, caffeine fueled sex sessions at bedtime, probably keeping their shades on so even they don’t recognise each other.
Blake who has been in Gossip Girl for 47 years has been dating Reynolds (former husband of Boobs Johansson) for the past few weeks and even though he’s dated at least 786 women, we’re convinced that THIS IS THE ONE!!!
According to reports, the pair were spotted cuddling and giggling in NYC and were even poking each other in a booth during brunch and we’re now so busy thinking of fingering jokes, that we don’t care what else they did during their trip.
They probably put on balaclavas and looked at some art.
Former wife, Scarlett, who recently said that her marriage to Reynolds was ‘the best thing I ever did‘ isn’t very happy about this, despite the fact she was jumping Sean Penn every 17 seconds, in between doing really terrible perfume adverts.
A US Weekly mischief maker claimed:
‘Scarlett is pissed that he’s not under her spell anymore.’
‘Ryan would have gotten back with her. He was so totally in love, but then she flaunted Sean right after their split, and he was done.’
ISN’T THAT SAD??
No. It isn’t. Dry your eyes.