Unless another self-absorbed bellend decides to hoik themselves over the perimeter wall, tomorrow’s Big Brother eviction will be a special one.
The housemates up for eviction are Noirin and Marcus – two thirds of the most unnecessarily melodramatic relationships in the history of Big Brother. If Noirin goes, both Marcus and Siavash lose their dream girl, and if Marcus goes… well, if Marcus goes there won’t be a little fat bloke dressed as Wolverine wrapped in a blanket in the middle of the Big Brother garden all the time.
So who’s going to leave the Big Brother house tomorrow? Let’s find out…
Marcus – For a plucky underdog, Marcus doesn’t half make it hard for anyone to like him. Ever since Noirin treacherously did the dirty on him by repeatedly telling him that she wasn’t even? romantically interested in him and then kissing someone else, Marcus has basically turned into a great big sulking toddler. All he’s done is plod around the Big Brother house in a duvet, refusing to talk to anyone like some sort of awful self-pitying, attention-seeking wazzock. So, on the basis that his contribution to the Big Brother house currently stands at nil, maybe Marcus should go tomorrow. But wait! Is that the genesis of a crush on Bea? Brilliant! Let’s keep him in and he can go through this whole sorry cycle again – maybe this time he’ll even self-harm! Woo!
Noirin – In a way, Noirin is the exact opposite of Marcus, in that she contributes to a lot to the Big Brother house, but she’s so transparently awful that nobody in their right mind would ever even consider rooting for her. But at least she’s consistent – she’ll pick a man who’s clearly several divisions lower than her in the attractiveness league, string him along until he’s head over heels in love with her and then instantly drop them like a stone. And look what she’s done – Sree reportedly slashed his wrists after leaving the Big Brother house, Marcus has turned into the world’s most surly caterpillar and now Siavash has just realised that his girlfriend probably won’t have him back now. Noirin even promised to get her vagina out while walking into the Big Brother house, and she hasn’t even done that yet, the bitch. Oh god, she’s got to us too. It’s no good. Noirin! Noirin! We love you, Noirin! Quick, someone get her out before we go terminal.