Beyonce Is Not Happy With You Discussing Her Uterus

beyonce h&m shootTwitter near enough exploded with congratulations when multiple sources came forward to claim that Beyonce and Mr Beyonce were once again expecting the pitter-patter of tiny feet. The woman herself was apparently not so thrilled. 

Rather than a simple ‘yes or no’ answer, Beyonce decided that the best way to address the rumours was in the style of a fourteen year old white girl – through passive aggressive quotes posted on her Instagram account. Bonus drama-queen points for deleting it a short time later. C’mon Bey, you’re better than that.

beyonce instagram pregnancy rumours

Hey, she was the one complaining when people were claiming that she didn’t carry Purple Rain Blue Ivy herself – now people are actually saying she’s pregnant and she’s still not happy. Someone may want to remind her that the whole point of being a successful singer – and therefore celebrity – is that people talk about her. As a female celebrity, you have to pretty much expect for your lady-cave to be put under scrutiny by the public on a weekly basis because your fans care about your personal life. 

It’s a strange rumour for her to get defensive about, seeing as there are theories that Whitney Houston was a blood sacrifice to Blue Ivy from the Illuminati and the slightly less sinister theory that she only married Jay-Z in exchange for a massive solo career and he’s been sleeping with whomever wants. Which is obvious bullshit, because why go for a bargain bucket when you have filet-mignon at home?

beyonce met gala

The rumours started after her Met Gala dress apparently looked like it was trying to conceal her stomach – it’s relief to know that the hideousness of the gown had some purpose to it – and after she cancelled a show in Belgium citing the ol’ one-size-fits-all excuse of ‘dehydration and exhaustion’, which usually means a rumour consisting of anything from heroin overdose to, in this case, pregnancy.

beyonce mrs carter tour white dress

Seeing as she’s banned all outside photographers from her tours – probably because of all those photos of her hulking out at the Superbowl went viral – it’s hard to get a good visual on her stomach, but judging by the official photos it seems the world shouldn’t get too excited about the possible arrival of baby ‘Red Vine’.

If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of Kim Kardashian’s dreams of play dates go quietly gurgling down the drain.


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  1. Luna says

    I really hate this article.

    why do you need to hate on bey when all she’s doing is getting defensive over her privacy and staying healthy? Feeds the jealous mind.