Abraham Lincoln is one of America’s favourite presidents. He did everything right – he had a cool beard, helped to abolish slavery and died before his time before he could cock his legacy up. Sadly, he was a Republican which puts him in line with Sarah Palin and Arnie.
Anyway, because he looks cool, Abe Lincoln is the perfect man to star in a film. With Abe being so revered, it’ll be a tough gig for whoever takes him on, right?
Well, a relative newcomer called Benjamin Walker has been handed the title role in a film which sees Abraham doing what he does best – killing vampires. What? You heard. He’ll be the star of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and it could well be the greatest thing ever shown on the silver screen.
That’s right kiddiekins! This obviously amazing movie will see the 16th US president kicking vampires in the nuts during the Civil War.
Whether it’ll be like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, we don’t know… mainly because we haven’t seen it. Either way, it has to be brilliant. Just thinking about gangly Abe punching a vampire’s head clean-off is too much to bear!
This will be Walker’s first big-budget role as he’s more used to treading the boards of Broadway.
He has previously starred in the absolutely woeful Golden Compass and the ‘we haven’t seen this one either’, Flags of Our Fathers, which Clint Eastwood had something to do with.
Sadly, there’s no word on who will play Henry Sturges. Who is Henry Sturges when he’s at home? Silly! He’s the man who mentors and trains Lincoln to hunt, maim and kill vampires!
Forget the new Harry Potter film and forget the new Batman movie – Abraham Lincoln is the hero this ailing, post-Millennial world needs.
We greatly look forward to Werewolf Shakespeare Versus Mothra hitting the screens in the future.
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