hecklerspray won an award once you know – and a good one too. It was for outstanding hoola-hooping ability. It cost us nearly two dozen creamsicles in a failed attempt at bribery, but the judges thought it was in their best interest to give it to someone who was actually in the competition. That paraplegic five-year-old didn't deserve it though, so we kifed his first place glitter-sprinkled macaroni necklace while his foster parents slowly rolled him toward the family van.
That was the only award we ever got, and we love it dearly – we take it with us everywhere we go. We're a lot like Barry Manilow that way – he won an Emmy he just can't put down. He even recently took it into surgery. We assume it's either for luck, or Manilow wants his doctor to rub it all over his innards while he's all split open like that.
His guts helped him win too, you know.
Barry Manilow's got him some bad hips. So bad, in fact, he's needed an operation to ease his pain. Manilow, though, is a busy guy, and doesn't have time for scalpels, incisions, or giant hammers violently thrashing his bones back into their uncooperative sockets. For crying out loud, he's got awards to win!
Well his schedule seems to have cleared up. Barry Manilow just won an Emmy for his PBS special Music and Passion, which we're told is every bit as sexy as it sounds. As he accepted the award, he told those humbly assembled before him that said Emmy would be forced to accompany him into a hip operation the next day, where it would no doubt witness the doctors make disgusting incisions, and argue over who got blood on whose iPod.
Manilow's mouthpiece-slave later hinted that the lucky statue must have worked, as he said the surgery went along "swimmingly", and Manilow was quickly released from the hospital.
Well we are relieved to hear that – operations don't always go so smoothly. Why, just last week we were conducting one in a semi-lit Moscow back-alley, and wouldn't you know it – a 12 lb rat decided to crawl right in there and nest on the "pancreas", as we're told that thingy was called. Anyway, it's rat-water broke, and a bunch of little babies spilled out.
And us without a paper towel.
Read more:
Manilow's Emmy Scrubs In – E! Online
[story by Shawn Lindseth]