Let’s talk about time, shall we? Time is important. Time is vitally important. Time is- we’re led to believe- money. The amount of time that we spend doing things directly relates to the amount of time that we have remaining to do other things like drinking tea and masturbating while crying into a woman’s garter.
No-one likes to see their time wasted. People who waste the time of others are tantamount to criminals which is why you can be charged with ‘Wasting Police Time’. When you do find yourself wasting your own time, you call it procrastination and you continue to watch videos of puppies frolicking in fields.
Ironically, this particular instalment of Badvertising is kept to a minimum length to illustrate a point.
Unfortunately, McVities seem intent on wasting everyone’s time by making us watch the way that they create their latest biscuit which apparently has something to do with music. It doesn’t but they’ve called it Medley. We can only assume they’ve done this with the same implication that Cadbury had when they created the Fuse which was- of course- a fusion of everything that had ever fallen on the floor of the Bournville factory.
Unfortunately they’ve chosen to do this by showing us two idiots throwing the “ingredients” minus the additives, obviously, into a bowl, accompanied by some berk beatboxing the rhythm and rhyme of the various component parts of the biscuit. Basically, it’s a big biscuity bar that will fill you so full of carbohydrates that you won’t feel the need to eat again until the additives convince you that you’d quite like another one.
The chef with more knowledge of kitchen standards and personal?hygiene?than the spitting beat-boxer is passionate though. He “loves those funky biscuits”. Whatever that means. You might remember him from that awful sausage advert that rips off the popularity of Mumford & Sons but that’s no reason to think badly of him. Combine the two however and you have a reason to kick him in the shin should you ever encounter him in the street.
Let’s face it. This advert isn’t terrible. Yes, it’s annoying, yes, it’s got all the charm of being repeatedly punched in the face by Duncan Bannatyne but it puts the (rather tenuous) idea of combining music and biscuits across well. Of course, this isn’t the first time that beat-boxing and the kitchen have been combined and once you’ve seen Beardyman’s skit in which he shows you the recipe for a perfect break, you’ll see that you should accept no imitations, even from your favourite biscuit brand.
Don’t let McVities waste your time by making you sit through the longest thirty seconds of your life. Watch Beardyman’s instead. It’s funny, it’s charming, the beat is better and oddly enough; it feels more like thirty seconds than the advert we’ve focussed on.
Also- don’t try to beatbox, readers. You’re not very good.
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