Here at hecklerspray we love to get involved in the great big sexism debate that rears its head every time Editor Mof slaps one of the female writers on the arse and tells them that they’re doing a great job “for a bird”. After that, the ensuing three day wildcat strike by our female staff will come to an end and everything will return to normal. Until next week.
It will come as no surprise to many of our readers that things don’t actually go that way at all and that it is the male writers who live in fear of their colleagues sexually harassing them while belting out ‘Swagger Jagger’ by Cher Lloyd at the tops of their voices. We don’t dare call it caterwauling because they can and will slash our faces.
The hecklerspray bedsit is a liberated feminist zone… of fear.
You’ve consumed Orangina before, of course. The sparkling orange flavour drink with bits in which, if served at the right temperature, can make you feel as cultured and French as a Parisian dandy but if served at half a degree more or less than it’s supposed to tastes like sucking dog vomit through an unwashed pair of underpants.
It’s been the market leader in sparkling orange flavour drinks with bits in for decades now but Club Orange has brought its irritatingly 80s-named product kicking and screaming to the Irish market (for some reason) in an effort to pull the market share from their orange-drink-with-bits-in rivals. Of course, they’ve taken a leaf out of the alcohol industry’s book and decided to market their product entirely at dribbling, masturbating fiends with less of a moral compass than Ashley Cole in a whorehouse.
It’s all about bits. Lady bits, to be precise.
You’ll remember last week when Badvertising focussed on the names that women might have for their vaginas. Unfortunately, there’s only one name in this entire sixty seconds used to describe both breasts, buttocks and vaginas. That’s bits. You see, the term ‘bits’ can be used to describe pretty much any?erogenous?zone on the body. ‘Bits’ can be anything really and these ladies seem to have the best bits going.
In case you haven’t watched the video yet it is one minute long. Sixty seconds. The best quickfire comedians could probably manage to squeeze (ha!) around twenty jokes into that short time but instead the people from Club Orange have gone for one joke, hammered home like a double homicide carried out with a mallet. They’ve murdered humour, they’ve murdered snappy advertising, they’ve actually managed to murder the spirit of innuendo and, somewhere out there, fourteen year old boys are bludgeoning another blunt instrument not even considering that they might want some sparkling orange flavour drink with bits in.
Unfortunately, in accentuating the ‘bits’ of the women in the ad (and by ‘bits’ we mean breasts, let’s not mince our words), they’ve made their ‘bits’ look worryingly artificial which makes a question nag at the back of the viewer’s mind. What are the orange bits in this sparkling orange flavour drink with bits in actually made out of?
Silicone.
The only way for Club Orange to redeem themselves in the eyes of right-thinking males and females who want to partake of an orange flavoured drink with bits in without having their sexuality either undermined or mocked would surely be to do a counter advert where men openly flaunt their ‘bits’ for the?titillation?of women. They won’t though and if they ever do, we want a cut for having the idea.
We also want Editor Mof to appear in it.
Our demands are very, very simple.