Everyone had a really good weekend, looking forward to Monday, in the hope that Saint Bono was actually going to die. It looked odds-on too, as he was rushed into a hospital with a heart so heavy about the plight of the third-world, it could no longer continue.
But alas, like all great news, it was too good to be true as it emerged that there’s pretty much nothing wrong with Bono and that, in fact, he’s made a pact with Jesus Christ Himself to outlive absolutely everyone on Earth, just so he can have the last word.
The prick.
Apparently, Bono did go to the Princess Grace hospital in Monaco but for a routine check up (and to heal some lepers with the power of his sense of self worth), his spokeswoman said.
“Despite press stories to the contrary, Bono has not suffered a recent health scare”
“Reports of his being rushed to hospital for emergency treatment are untrue. Bono is in good health and enjoying a family holiday in the south of France.”
This all kicked off after a bunch of newspapers reported that Bono had experienced heart palpitations and pains while on holiday. Bono is alleged to have said:
‘They’re not palpitations – if anything, it’s stigmata of the heart’.
The U2 frontman was checked over and told that there was nothing wrong with him, prompting Bono to lower his expensive spectacles, quieten his voice and say:
“That may be so, but as long as there is suffering and injustice in the world, then I shall never be a well man”
Sadly, it appears that Bono once again missed the glib response which told him that he could probably solve a few problems if he wasn’t such a tax-dodging bastard.
Next week: Bono remembers that Larry Mullen Jnr exists and asks the drummer if he’d like to wash Bono’s feet
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