Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

When it comes to aliens there are generally three kinds – the fuzzy ones that eat cats and thrive on prime-time TV, there’s the kind with the broom-helmets that occasionally show up to thwart Bugs Bunny, and there’s the super hot ones to which all of mankind happily hands over their planet. Like on V.

Add to that all inclusive list, if you will, the Nordics. Like the ones an off-duty police officer just reported encountering.

When people talk aliens they generally think of little gray fellows with enormous black eyes and a chest-full of lubricated items destined for earthlings’ bum-bums. Those creatures certainly are real, as our poor uncle Albert’s scab-covered underwear drawer will surely attest, but they aren’t the topic-aliens of the day.

That’s because today we’re talking about the Nordics – those tall blond aliens from another galaxy that we assume got here in a big wooden spaceship powered by dozens of enslaved oarsmen. In this, our hour of need, we’ll let Wikipedia get you up to speed on these guys:

“Nordic aliens (Aryan aliens) is a name given to what are said to be a group of humanoid extraterrestrials. They are so named because they are said to resemble Nordic, Scandanavian, or Aryan racial images. Nordic aliens form a notable part of UFO/abduction belief and the contactee movement in European and Latin American nations, but are not commonly found in accounts from the US.”

The European nation where today’s account takes place is England. To set the stage, picture a lone policeman, off-duty and care free. He’s cruising through the countryside when he happens upon a crop circle. And in said crop circle he sees this (according to the Telegraph):

“The sergeant, who has not been named, was off-duty when he saw the figures standing in a field near Silbury Hill, and stopped his car to investigate. However, as he approached the ‘men’ – all over 6ft tall with blond hair – he heard “the sound of static electricity” and the trio ran away ”faster than any man he had ever seen”.

Andrew Russell, a crop circle researcher, summed up the Sergeant’s experience like this (Also from the Telegraph):

“[The Sergeant] said: ”At first he thought they were forensic officers as they were dressed in white coveralls. He stopped his car and approached the field. ”The figures were all over 6ft and had blond hair. They seemed to be inspecting the crop. When he got to the edge of the field he heard what he believed to be a sound not dissimilar to static electricity. ”This crackling noise seemed to be running through the field and the crop was moving gently, close to where the noise was. ”He shouted to the figures who, at first, ignored him, not glancing at him. When he tried to enter the field they looked up and began running. ”He said; ‘They ran faster than any man I have ever seen. I’m no slouch but they were moving so fast. I looked away for a second and when I looked back they were gone. ”I then got scared. The noise was still around but I got an uneasy feeling and headed for the car. For the rest of the day I had a pounding headache I couldn’t shift.””

Why exactly the Nordics ran off like that is unknown – it sounds pretty weak though. Comparatively speaking, green aliens bang on rooves and what-not trying to terrify the people that have seen them. And the gray aliens – they’ll melt off your fingers. If the best the tall blond aliens can muster is a quick escape on foot (not even in a spaceship), well that’s not overly impressive.

Of course we probably wouldn’t say that to their faces.

No, we wouldn’t do that.

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Things are about to get awkward down at the Hall of Justice.

Not only does everyone have to pretend not to notice the strange sexual tension between the Wonder Twins, but Apache Chief has taco farts and the rec room’s been cleared out.

And on top of that - somehow Spider-Man’s started to date Catwoman and now Batman spends his waking hours crying into a couch cushion. Heroes have feelings too, you know.

Now before any super-nerds start balking about colliding universes, let us state we know Spider-Man and Catwoman could never be together.

Sam Raimi on the other hand…

The first three Spider-Man movies were so phenomenally popular that it’s be really hard to make a follow up that didn’t cause ardent fans to run onto railroad tracks, lay down and patiently wait for the end to come. A big part of all this inevitable insurrection is nailing an accurate portrayal of a much-loved villain – well that sounds pretty hard. Spidey’s readers are intimately familiar with the whole lot of ‘em, and if they’re brought to the screen incorrectly, like say if the Vulture’s feathers are more of a gay emerald than a common suburban lawn green, people are gonna scream fowl.

Pun very intended.

In the first movie Peter Parker had to fight his inner demons come-to-life in the form of the Green Goblin. In the second picture he had to do the exact same thing except with an aquatic feel.

The third movie, of course, is infamously the one where Parker had to defeat Topher Grace with a gigantic wind chime.

Seriously – how do you follow up something like that?

With Catwoman. According to Mania.com, anyway:

“We can exclusively reveal that actress Rachel McAdams has met with the producers of the film for a major role. McAdams (of ‘Wedding Crashers’ and ‘Sherlock Holmes’ fame) is said to be a top contender for the role of Felicia Hardy, known to comic fans as The Black Cat. Our sources tell us that the Black Cat’s story fits well with Raimi’s Spider-Man formula, which always finds the villains troubling not only the costumed hero, but also becoming entangled in Peter Parker’s personal life as well.”

That all sounds like a pretty sexy time – and at least it seems like they’re gonna give CW a more urban feel. We strongly…

Oh what’s that now? Black Cat is miles away from Catwoman you say? Black Cat shows way more Cleave you say? And she has psychic abilities while Catwoman only gets rusty thimble claws you say?

Well it definitely sounds like you’re underestimating the power of tetanus. That’s lockjaw, dude. Psychic brain power’s got nothing on lockjaw.

Just ask our Aunt Judy – not that she’d answer you. A dirty nail rusted her mouth shut.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Roswell’s big problem is it’s all word of mouth. There are these tremendous claims of what went on there, but why believe a low-brow farmer? The same goes for Kecksburg. Sure, we’ve heard the military hauled out a tarp-covered something-or-other that was shaped like a gigantic acorn, but show us the pictures.

That said, there’s finally a UFO-crash discovery that was caught on film – and we owe it all to commie-riddled Russia!

There are only two pieces of news that ever come out of Russia. The first is that Joseph Stalin’s nipples used to bleed every Easter. Some say it was a heavenly reminder of his parents’ religion that he so casually cast aside. This news re-breaks every two years or so. Wait for it – you’ll see.

The second news story that always breaks from the formerly red country is that their babies are born with temporary-but-reappearing Koranic tattoos. They’ve got some crazy stuff going on over there – we’re tellin’ ya.

Imagine our surprise then, when we discovered this third story came out of the country where we thought they only had a two-template newspaper. It happened in 1968.

No doubt you’d like us to cut to the chase. Here it is as All News Web puts it:

“The Soviet Defense Ministry wrote in March 1969, Order No. 481 addressed to the Commander of the Air Defense Forces in the Sverdlosvsk Military Region Lieutenant General A.G. Ponomarenko. He was ordered to assist in every way the local KGB authorities in the operation “Sverdlovsk Midget” (small aliens), signed by the Deputy Commander in Chief of the USSR Air Defense Forces, Colonel General S.D. Lebedey, Seal stated, General Staff of the USSR Defense Ministry.

“In a second letter from November 3, 1969 on the KGB letterhead addressed to Deputy Chief of the Scientific Research Department KGB USSR, Colonel Grigoriev. The letter stated that on March 5, 1969 information was received about discovery of the unidentified object wreckage, 3 meter high and 5 meter in diameter with remains of small unknown human like creature, Operation called “Sverdlovsk Midget”.”

 

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Now when you hear that the Koran has appeared on a baby, you no doubt get a visual of little arms and tiny legs sticking out from underneath a very dusty, thick book. Although that’s almost definitely happened at one time or other – that’s not what we mean here.

No – we mean actual verses from the Koran have appeared scribbled on a baby boy’s skin – repeatedly.

Most of you are probably thinking about how even if verses from the Koran actually are appearing temporarily on an infant boys skin, it’s still not as miraculous as when the image of Virgin Mary forms in a wet spot on the side of a cracker box.

And that may be true. To know for sure we should put both items on eBay. If the crackers out-pace the Koranic baby we’ll know for sure which structure God wants built on that ol’ temple mount.

Until then, let’s look at this Koranic baby a little closer. After all, if it’s true it’s absolutely fascinating. First of all it’s quite ironic that such a religious occurrence would happen in Russia – a place where most people think God should get the exact same paycheck as everybody else.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. ABC News will tell you what’s going on:

“Religious leaders in Dagestan [Russia] say the verse “Be thankful or grateful to God” appeared on Ali Yakubov’s right leg in Arabic script earlier this week… By the time foreign journalists had arrived, the verse had faded to a single letter.”

News24 takes it a little farther:

“Pinkish in colour and several centimetres high, the Qu’ranic verse “Be thankful or grateful to Allah” was printed on the infant’s right leg in clearly legible Arabic script this week, religious leaders said. Visiting foreign journalists later saw a single letter after the rest had vanished.

“The fact that this miracle happened here is a signal to us to take the lead and help our brothers and sisters find peace,” said Sagid Murtazaliyev, head of the Kizlyar region about 150km north of Makhachkala, the sprawling Dagestani capital on the Caspian Sea.”

Getting back to the baby, he’d spike a fever before each verse showed up. We’ve not seen what other verses have appeared other than the one listed above, but we kind of assume they were lengthy excerpts from Dianetics. Now that’s a miracle!

The boy’s father, for the record, assures reporters that the firebrand currently warming in the hearth – with what appears to be the steel-forged opening lines to a Huckleberry Finn sequel from beyond the grave – has absolutely nothing to do with the ongoing miracle. The father would also like to know if anybody can think of something good but unexpected Huck could float down a river on.

He’d also like to talk to an American book publisher for no reason in particular.

We recommend HarperCollins.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

As paranormal events go, this one really stands out. It stands out, perhaps, because we’ve never heard of anything quite like it. There are no UFOs to speak of, nobody’s claimed a terrifying ape-man encounter deep in the woods, and as far as we can tell nobody’s gotten ghost-hickeys.

Ask our Aunt Sally about the hickeys.

Today’s topic is a man who has appeared in everybody’s dream.

There appears to be some very strange epidemic wherein one man is being seen in the dreams of people all over the world.

You’re probably wondering exactly how anybody could possibly know that their dream phantom looks exactly like one who haunts the night-fantasies of so many others. The answer is simple – from ThisMan.org:

“In January 2006 in New York, the patient of a well-known psychiatrist draws the face of a man that has been repeatedly appearing in her dreams. In more than one occasion that man has given her advice on her private life. The woman swears she has never met the man in her life.

“That portrait lies forgotten on the psychiatrist’s desk for a few days until one day another patient recognizes that face and says that the man has often visited him in his dreams. He also claims he has never seen that man in his waking life.

“The psychiatrist decides to send the portrait to some of his colleagues that have patients with recurrent dreams. Within a few months, four patients recognize the man as a frequent presence in their own dreams. All the patients refer to him as THIS MAN.”

Not everybody who sees This Man is necessarily getting life changing advice from him. Some people are just flying through the air with him at their side. Some see him escorting them out of a shopping mall with a confusing floor plan, and still others find themselves making sweet, sticky love to him all day long forever and ever.

Or something.

Some say he’s a human being who’s somehow obtained the ability to project himself into people’s dreams anywhere in the world. Some say while doing so he can change his appearance so that he’d never be recognised in the street. Still other’s think it’s God himself gracing the sleep-time of mortals across the globe.

Our theory is that Israel is somehow behind all this, and they’re doing it to eventually get all westerners attracted to sheep.

That’s not really our theory, but those guys sure catch flack, don’t they?

Now you all know that we here at hecklerspray are truly dedicated to getting multiple sources for absolutely every story we ever tell you. This time, however, we’re not going to do that because there are three bats perched in an office corner behind us and the closest broom is two floors down.

We’re a bit panicked, you understand.

As such, we’ll close out today’s story with a bunch of alleged first hand encounter quotes from the same website we just used.

Again, it’s from ThisMan.org:

“I have had this recurrent dream for some years now. A tall, dark man shows me a picture and asks me if I can recognise my father in it. The man in the picture is this man I have never seen before, he looks nothing like my dad, nevertheless I inexplicably answer that I do recognize my father. At this point I usually wake up feeling very peaceful. Other times the dream continues, I am standing before my father’s grave, I place some flowers on the ground and I realise the photograph on the tombstone is missing.”

“I fell in love with him from the very first time I saw him in my dream. Even though if I think about it I must admit he’s really ugly. And yet each and every time, he sweeps me off my feet with his romantic gestures and sweet words. He buys me flowers, jewellery, he takes me out to dinner or to the beach to watch the sunset.”

“I have always had this dream of flying in the sky over my city and observing my friends from up there. Since I moved to another house I started meeting this man while flying. Not every single time that I have this dream about flying, but often enough. He flies too, but he never speaks.”

“The first time I had a dream about this man I was having a hard time at work. I had a dream about getting lost in a huge and deserted shopping mall. Suddenly this man appeared and I started running away from him. He chased after me for what seemed like an hour until I found myself against a wall in the kids’ area in a supermarket. At this point he smiled at me and he showed me the way out towards the cash desks and I woke up. Ever since that night this man has appeared in all of my dreams and he always gives me directions to get out of the dream and wake up.”

“I have never had homosexual relationships or even fantasies. But I dream about having sexing with this man all the time. I must admit he has a lot of imagination and he pleases me. Sometimes when I wake up I discover I have had a nocturnal emission.”

“I saw this man in my dream, dressed as Santa Klaus. When he showed up I felt so happy, just like when I was a little girl. Then he smiled at me and his head became a balloon,floating in the air above me, but no matter how hard I tried to catch it, I just couldn’t reach it.”

Now if you’ll excuse us, we’ve several bats to pin to the ground, trap in a bag and toss out a window.

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When Michael Jackson died the world let out a gasp.

Some did so out of a profound sadness, some out of shock, and some just because now their wee sons could go outside unattended.

Not long after, people started worrying about Jackson’s estate. Who would get his Beatles rights? Who’d inherit the dusty set of Captain EO - and what was to happen to his pickled penis?

We heard it’s had kind of a dill/vinegar wrap on since he was twelve.

It ends up the will that made such material designations – according to Randy Jackson – it has a forged signature.

It’s a rough time to be MJ. Not only have all his songs been stolen by Hispanics like 18 years before he recorded them, but at this very moment he’s probably realising that being surrounded by senior citizen women with a Jesus-juice allergy most likely implies that wherever he is – it certainly isn’t his heaven.

A harsh awakening, no doubt.

Well we only wish we could tell him that his name is still wrapped in turmoil down here too. Sure, we finally got the ultimate destination of his children figured out – but what about the rest of his crap? You know, like his pickled penises. And his pants.

It seems some nefarious fellow decided to ensure those pickled penises and pants don’t get to the person whom Michael had intended at all. We know this because it’s recently been made clear that MJ’s 2002 will has a forged signature gracing the long line at the bottom.

That’s what Randy Jackson thinks anyway. TMZ sums things up:

“Randy Jackson claims Michael Jackson could not have signed his 2002 will, because he was 2,475 air miles away from the place the document was supposedly inked. According to the will, it was signed on July 7, 2002 at 5:00 PM in Los Angeles. Randy Jackson tells TMZ he has proof MJ was in New York from July 5 through July 9, on a campaign against Sony honcho Tommy Mottola claiming Mottola had a thing against Black artists.”

Hecklerspray thinks this is most likely a matter of Randy not getting any monkeys out of the deal. Imagine, your brother Michael Jackson dies and you don’t get any monkeys. We’d probably complain too.

We’d complain until we at least got a walrus. Michael probably had dozens of those stashed away. Whoever the proper walrus-inheritor is probably won’t even miss just one.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

The trouble with time travel is that if you go to the past and step on a butterfly, that butterfly’s family will then travel to the future and murder you and everyone you love.

We can’t remember how that old adage goes, actually. That makes the Chronovisor, invented by Father Pellegrino Ernetti, quite convenient. On it, you see, you can view the past without disturbing it – TV style.

The paranormal world can stand impressively on it’s own two feet until you ask for concrete evidence of this or that. When that happens the whole thing can crumble right before an unbeliever’s eyes. Believers though – well they’re busy making evidence of their own – like the Spiricom - remember that thing? It was the machine that communicated with the dead. A few conversations using it were caught on tape – including one where the dead guy talked carrots. It’s fascinating, really.

And then there’s the Psychomanteum. That’s used for dead talking too, but it uses a lot less wires and circuit boards than the Spiricom.

Now the Chronovisor, on the other hand, it doesn’t talk to the dead – but it will let you see them. In the past we mean. Because it’s a time travel machine. Not the kind that leaves flaming skid marks – no – those one’s actually transport you to the past. Hypothetically. The Chronovisor just lets you view transpired events from the comfort of your favourite arm chair.

This according to Wikipedia:

“The chronovisor was portrayed as a large cabinet with a normal cathode ray tube for viewing the received events and a series of buttons, levers, and other controls for selecting the time and the location to be viewed. It could also focus and track specific people. According to its inventor, it worked by receiving, decoding and reproducing the electromagnetic radiation left behind from past events, though it could also pick up sound waves.”

Now if you had a machine like that, what would you tune in to first? The murder of JFK? Roswell? Your horny parents conceiving you?

Well if you were a Catholic priest, you’d probably want to watch the crucifixion. And photograph it. Like it says the machine’s inventor Father Pellegrino Ernetti did here on Wikipedia:

“He said that he observed, among other historical events, Christ’s crucifiction and photographed it. A photo of this, Ernetti said, appeared in the May 2, 1972 issue of La Domenica del Corriere, an Italian weekly news magazine.”

Obviously there was a lot of doubt and scepticism regarding Ernetti’s claims. The picture of the crucified Christ (see attached), for instance, looked an awful lot like a wood carving made by some famous or not-famous pocket knife sculptor.

To top it off, there were rumours that on his death bed Ernetti took it all back in a last ditch effort to not walk through the pearly gates with a weird lie in tow.

Also, he said the machine got dismantled in the Vatican or something – so just because nobody can show it to you doesn’t mean it never existed. If you’re the type of person who needs to see it to believe it, well, you’re probably never gonna believe it, and you’re stupid anyway. Right, Ernetti?

If it did exist it’s a real shame it’s been reduced to a pile of pieces. Think of all the murders that could be solved with something like that. Also – you could keep rewinding and watching that one awesome game-saving catch you made in the seventh grade that caused your teammates to hoist you on shoulder and carry you briskly through a shower of ticker tape and the keys to several cities.

Man, back then you were good, weren’t you?

If only your dad had brought his stupid camera.

Your kids will never believe you.

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The men therein go to sleep wearing beautiful sequinned pyjamas, and then wake up dressed like Aladdin clutching a stolen loaf of bread. It’s tragic, it’s disheartening, and perhaps worst of all – nobody knows the cause.

Granted, this is all according to our late Uncle Saul. He also says Hitler’s still living deep inside a hollowed-out elephant.

Weird.

Saul wasn’t the only one who worried so for all the poor gypsies – Madonna does too. That’s why she just let them  have her shoes.

If we could save the gypsies, you know that we would. We’d put them all up in a grandiose mansion full of hot dogs and diet drinks, and then sleep well every night for the rest of our lives knowing we made a difference. And then, most likely, we’d show up one day to check on them only to find they’d moved all our expensive chandeliers down to their riverside encampment and all the pants we left for them were used only to practice their pick-pocket skills.

Gypsies are so stupid and ungrateful.

The point is – you can’t save them. You can’t save prostitutes or orphans either.

Now Madonna could really care less about prostitutes or orphans. Gypsies on the other hand – well she’s in love with them all. In fact we heard they are who she left Guy Ritchie for. We don’t have that documented anywhere. Perhaps this deep affection she carries for the dirtiest of the thief-world is why she’s currently trying to save them all with a pair of her shoes.

No – she really is. According to Access Hollywood:

“The Queen of Pop has offered one of her favorite pairs of Christian Dior shoes to a charity supporting Gypsy child education. Organizers said Tuesday the skyscraper gold heels, which are autographed by Madonna, will be sold at the Ovidiu Rom annual ball later this month.”

Gypsy problem solved.

The shoes will sell for a decent price unless it’s discovered Madge got them at a JC Penney back to school sale. The money will be used to infuse the unfortunate beggars with proper grammar and mathematical skills, and then they’ll be more efficient in figuring out the square root of whatever money they just pinched from your wallet.

Sure – you’re still down the money, but at least now you’ll know it can at least be stacked in some sort of numerical order. And that just sounds better, doesn’t it?

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Every now and again someone, somewhere finds little stone heads for which gigantic, misshapen wolves always come hunting. Well to be sure, we said ‘every now and again’ – but we meant it only happened once that we’ve heard of. And incidentally – those wolves we mentioned, well they don’t just track you as you and your over-sized Spider-Man backpack walk to school – they angrily plod through your house too. Searching all the while.

There are dozens of reasons why you might encounter a werewolf. It could be because you’re relentlessly pursuing his daytime human girlfriend. It could be because you’ve left one too many roses on the grave of his long-dead mother who was totally vivacious back in the day. Lastly, it could be because you’re at a science fair.

We’ve a theory that werewolves really love science fairs.

As it pertains to this story – another way to meet a supernatural spirit-dog beast is to dig up two stone heads in the back yard. Once you’ve done that, the heads’ protector will show up to track them down mercilessly. It’s quite terrifying, actually. Here’s the story as told on MysteriousBritain.com:

“It was 1972, and at the Robson family home in Hexham, only ten minutes walk away from where the legendary Wolf of Allendale had roamed the woods, the two young Robson brothers dug up two small, carved stone heads whilst they were tending the garden. Several nights after the discovery of the stone heads, neighbour Ellen Dodd and her daughter were sitting up late one evening when both of them witnessed a “half-man, half beast” entering the bedroom. The pair screamed in terror but, the creature seemed indifferent to them and simply left the room, heard to be “padding down the stairs as if on its hind legs”. Later on, the front door was found open. It has been thought that the creature had been in search of something, and had left the house to continue searching elsewhere”

But what could be so important that a freaky demon gets sent up from the depths of hell to collect? The website Profiling the Unexplained gives a great description of the two heads:

“The stones, which were called the Hexham-heads, represent two different types. The first was similar to a skull and seemed to bear male traits; it was called “boy”. The stone was of a greenish grey and glittered with quartz crystals. It was very heavy, heavier than cement or concrete. The hair seemed to run in stripes from front to back. The other head, the “girl” was similar to a witch. It had wild pop-eyes and the hair was tied back to some knot. In the hair, traces of yellow and red colour could be found.

“After they have dug up the heads, the boys took them into the house. Thereby, the whole disaster commenced. The heads turned round without reason, objects broke to pieces without evident cause. When the mattress of one of the two daughters of the Robsons was dotted with broken glass, the girls moved out of the room. In the meantime, a mysterious flower bloomed at Christmas exactly on that spot, where the heads were found. Besides, a strange light was glowing there.”

And there’s the wolf – we already told you about that a bit. Well just after that the heads were given to Dr Anne Ross, who was a Celtic expert of one type or another. She said the heads were around 2000 years old. Almost as soon as the heads arrived – Ross got a visit from the wolf too. Here’s her account according to a site called GoArticles.com:

“In her own account Anne Ross described how, one night shortly after their arrival, she woke up suddenly at 2 a.m. feeling chilled and extremely frightened. At the instant of awakening she saw a tall, jet black wolf-headed figure standing against the faint white of the open door. It then moved out into the corridor and she felt an irresistible urge to follow it. This she did, seeing and hearing the figure clearly as it made its way down the darkened staircase and along the corridor towards the kitchen. Anne Ross described the figure vividly, reporting not only its blackness and tallness but also its distinct part animal, part human appearance. As the creature neared the kitchen the spell broke and Anne Ross felt fear overwhelm her and so she rushed upstairs to awaken her husband. Together they searched the house for intruders but found no-one and nothing disturbed by any forced entry and eventually concluded that she must have suffered a particularly vivid nightmare…

“[Later, as Ross' daughter] recounted, she had returned to the empty house at 4 p.m. and opened the front door with her key. As it swung open she saw something large, dark and inhuman rushing down the stairs (which faced the doorway) toward her. Half way down it had suddenly stopped and vaulted over the banisters, landing with a soft thud like a heavy animal with thickly padded feet…”

So do you believe it? You thinking about throwing out all your Hummel figurines just in case? Well before you rush to judgement and toss your fine collection that might rival that of elderly women everywhere – you should know there are sceptics. No – really there are.  For instance – one man claimed he carved the two heads with his own hands. As proof of this he carved duplicates.

Did he really make the heads? Maybe. But the werewolf makes for a far better story.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Ghosts are passe and Sasquatch seems about as scary as a bucket full of lollipops. Whatever is the former world of terror/monsters to do? Why, they need to invent some sort of a new creature to fear – and by new creature, we mean of course, children. Not just any children though – needy ones with black eyes.

Black eyed children, it seems, are a fairly new epidemic.

Of all the paranormal oddities you could encounter, few would truly terrify. If you encountered a UFO, you’d likely be nothing but awe-struck unless it seemed to be positioning itself to suck you up. If you ran into a Sasquatch you’d be too busy counting imaginary money as you aimed your mobile phone at it, and shadow people – well sure, shadow people would make you poop your pants until they slide down to your ankles.

Other than that though, nothing would really seem that bad, right? Except Black Eyed Kids. BEKs, as they are frequently quick-referenced, have a tendency to strike fear to your very core as they stand there politely asking to use your phone, bathroom or vehicle.

On the surface they seems like nice teenagers and you can’t think of one reason not to help them, but inside your skin every part of you is screaming to slam the door and hide forever. Have you heard of these kids before? It wouldn’t be too surprising if you hadn’t – they’ve only been around 10 – 15 years or so. Here’s a bit on them from Paranormal.About.com:

“The first well documented and discussed account came from a journalist named Brian Bethel in 1998. In his story, two children (not quite teens, but close) approached him as he sat in his car while parked in a parking lot. At first glance, the kids looked normal, wearing clothes that were in style and had a pale, olive colored skin. In acknowledging the two boys, Bethel was overcome with a peculiar fear that he describes in his account as: “I could feel fight-or-flight responses kicking in. Something, I knew instinctually, was not right, but I didn’t know what it could possibly be.”

“Claiming that they were on their way to see a movie but had left their money at home, the two boys asked Bethel for a ride back to their house. When Bethel did not allow them into his car, the kids seemed to get annoyed and kept asking for a ride. As Bethel’s fear and panic increased, he actually found himself wanting to open the door. However, when Bethel noticed their eyes, a primal fear took over and momentarily paralyzed him; the kids had coal black eyes, completely lacking pupils and irises.”

If you’re wondering how that encounter ended – the man sped off with an empty back seat. Most encounters with the BEKs are on your very own front porch. They’ll ring your bell and then give you a fairly inconspicuous story about how they need your phone, or that their black eyes are soon to turn yellow if you don’t please let them in for a heavy pee.

But the terror always takes over though – nobody ever lets them in because of it. And it’s a good thing too, as there’s some speculation that BEKs need permission to enter your abode before they can eat your freshly salted, semi-marinated face off.

For the record we really don’t know what the kids would do upon entrance because nobody’s ever fallen for their tricks. Well almost nobody. One man commenting in a chatroom claims he did. He also claims that what happened next seemed straight out of a horror film. It’s overly long and spellcheck-free -but a worthwhile read.

As found oon Haunted Diary.com:

I have read many accounts of these black eyed kids but i dont think any really come close to what happened to me when i let two into my house. Some people think that if you let them in that the will kill you, obiviously i can say this is not true.

this is what happened, i was sitting in my bedroom at home when i heared a knock on the door, it was not too late so i didnt hesitate opening the door to whoever it was. when i opened it there was two children standing there, both were looking at the floor. “yes ” i said, the taller one asked if they could come in as they were lost and the other boy needed the toilet. I live in an area where it is very easy to get lost, so i just ashumed that they were telling the truth and was looking down because they were shy, even though the one talking, spoke very confidently. so i let them in, the one who needed the tolitet just walked in and straight up the stairs so i shouted up its on the right, i dont know why i didnt find this strange but most toilets are upstairs and as he was young i didnt think anything of it.

i told the other one that the phone was down the hall, “thanks” he said and he started to walk down the hall, i followed him and then i suddenly came over with a really awfull feeling like something bad was going to happen, i became very nervious and a bit shakey i still cant explain how that happened, the boy stopped at the phone and paused, “everythink ok?” i asked, he turned to me and looked up and thats when i saw his eyes, and trust me i will never get that picture out of my head, i was so scared that i couldnt even scream as i turned to run down the hall the other kid was standing at the end.

i became very dizzy and stuggled to stand up, he walk closer to me and said that they had been sent to collect me, i still couldnt bear to look into his face, i pushed away from him and ran into my frontroom and slammed the door shut, i was in so much shock about what was happening i couldnt think straight, this is something that you dont even expect to happen even in movies. after standing against the door for around and hour or so i finaling got the courage to make a run for the back door, so i ran to it and unlocked it, i ran to the back of my garden and jumped over the fence not once looking back.

my friend lived close so i ran to his house, i told him the story and as i guessed he was a bit sceptic about what i had said. i convinced him to come back with me, when we got there we looked around the whole house but couldnt find them. ever since this happened i always have a dream that this kids with the black eyes stand over my bed with there hands streching to me, i hope to god that i never see these again.

Sent to collect him. Well who knows what that really means, but we assume the boys were collectors for an intergalactic zoo. That wouldn’t be a bad life though, would it? You’d eat free, people would probably bathe you with a long brush, and every time you had a kid the local news station would hold a fun contest where the winner gets to name it.

Really that kind of sounds nice, doesn’t it?

Of course it does.

If the kind of collecting they do includes a human-sized lamination machine to prevent you from bending at the corners, well – that just sounds terrible.

Let’s all continue to not let them in, shall we?

It’s agreed then.

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Well it seems Jessica Simpson has finally learned to not make her pets look so delicious all the time.

No doubt right now she’s stripping all her cats out of their hamburger outfits, she’s un-plucking all her canary’s feathers and hoping the generously applied butter-baste rinses off on it’s own, and she’s gonna stop breading her still-alive goldfish every 15 minutes.

She’s not giving all this up for no good reason though – it’s because a coyote recently swooped in, picked up her pooch, and carried it off to a ferrel-dog picnic or something.

Incidentally, all this happened right before Simpson’s eyes.

Not too long ago we all laughed along as a coyote hilariously stumbled into Paris Hilton’s backyard and ate every single dog she has ever owned. Nobody’s laughing now though. Probably because authorities now believe the coyote in question may have gone serial – it’s recently run off with Jessica Simpson’s dog.

And just to avoid any confusion – when we say ‘run off with,’ we don’t mean her puppy had a thing for motorcycle riding bad boys, and as such headed off into the sunset with one. No – we don’t mean that at all. What we’re really trying to imply here is that the tiny Simpson dog was picked up by some yellowed teeth and carried off into a doggie sized rotisserie.

Probably.

Everything we know, we learned from Twitter -  Simpson’s Twitter:

“My heart is broken because a coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes. HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help!”

We know what you’re thinking – ‘If Simpson was right there then why didn’t she stop the carry-off herself? After all, the most recent reports have describe her as being beefy and muscular.’ That has a simple answer, really – that being let’s see you try to stop a rollerskating coyote with an ACME rocket strapped on. Those things are fast, you know. You’d lose an arm – no matter how beefy it was.

But we have faith that the dog will turn up again, granted it’ll probably be as a white-poofed turd in the middle of the woods, but still, at least we’ll all know what happened. And then the rains will come, and the seasons will change. Eventually the fluffy white turd will melt away into the dirt from which we’ve all come. And then perhaps a seed will sprout – growing ever upwards until one day, as the wind weaves through its branches we’ll hear the faint whisper of a bark reminding us all just how this tree came to thrive.

And that, as we once learned in a cartoon, is the oval of life.

And it’d probably make a good country album. Harvest your pain, Simpson, harvest your pain and set it to a steel guitar.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artefacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

The problems with monsters, ghosts and aliens is that, sure – people see them – but there usually are no pictures to prove it. Sometimes a few frames get snapped off – but the blurry image in the distant background is rarely convincing of anything.

Imagine then, how shocked modern scientists must be as they examine an actual ‘baby alien’ body that was drowned by a scared Mexican farmer in 2007.

Here’s what we know about extra-terrestrial contact so far: Lots of people claim to be abducted by them, they like to embed tiny devices under our skin, and if rowdy children playing soccer wander to close to them, they’ll reach out and touch them.

That is literally all we know though. It’s been like 50 years since Roswell, and still the alien mystery lingers strong. Sometime in the nineties a video was released showing what was supposed to be the dissection of an alien body by scientists. It was called “Alien Autopsy,’ and it blew minds until somebody realised a coiled phone cord in the background hadn’t been invented at the time the film was supposed to take place.

And with that mankind glumly accepted the fact that if aliens actually were visiting our sweet, blue planet, they were probably too smart to get into flying traffic accidents, or to let any co-workers get their skin peeled back by a species that used to sit around all day eating dead skin and bananas.

“Mexican TV revealed the almost unbelievable story – in 2007, a baby ‘alien’ was found alive by a farmer in Mexico. He drowned it in a ditch out of fear, and now two years later scientists have finally been able to announce the results of their tests on this sinister-looking carcass. At the end of last year the farmer, Marao Lopez, handed the corpse over to university scientists who carried out DNA tests and scans. He claimed that it took him three attempts to drown the creature and he had to hold it underwater for hours. Tests revealed a creature that is unknown to scientists – its skeleton has characteristics of a lizard, its teeth do not have any roots like humans and it can stay underwater for a long time.”

“According to the scientists’ report, the alien baby can stay underwater for a long time, has the skeleton of a lizard, and has rootless teeth which are totally unlike humans’ teeth. However, it does have some similar joints to human. The brain of the alien baby is huge, particularly the rear section, which makes the scientists believe that the creature had very high intelligence.”

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Our favourite part of watching American Idol has always been crying under the couch with our fingers knuckle-deep in our ears anytime someone holding our remote control decides to check it out.

Our least favourite part of watching the show has always been the aural bleeding. Admittedly that’s probably because our un-filed fingers had just been jammed in there, but still, in our head we blamed Paula Abdul.

Now that blame will have to shift to Ellen DeGeneres. She, apparently, is Abdul’s new full-time, permanent replacement.

Ellen DeGeneres is a very busy woman. She’s already got the world’s number one talk show of all time as ranked by women with boy haircuts, she hosts the Oscars pretty much everybday, Cover Girl thinks she really speaks to their desired 50-year-old woman demographic – and now she’s gonna be putting in an extra 40 hours per week telling children to please “For the love of all that is now or ever has been holy, slit your vocal cord before the sun sets another day. Your mother probably hates you.”

That, we figure, will be her catchphrase.

Surely you remember that Paula Abdul up and quit her job recently. When we first heard this we thought it meant she was no longer an expired 80s pop star. No, no she’s still that. It’s not really a job, but she is still that. She quit American Idol. At first the rumours were flying that she was gonna be replaced by MC Skat Kat. Although this would have been a tremendous step forward, talks fell through when Pixar refused to climb on board.

So Idol had to settle for second best.

Second best is Ellen DeGeneres. No – not that Ellen DeGeneres. The other one. The one with the talk show. Reuters says:

“Fox television executives and the producers of the hit singing talent show had been searching for a permanent, new judge to sit in Abdul’s seat when the ninth season of the show returns to TV in January 2010. “As the new judge, Ellen will offer her own unique perspective to the contestants throughout the competition,” Fox said in a statement. DeGeneres, whose award-winning talk show “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” is in its seventh season, described herself as a longtime fan of the show.”

This comes as harsh news to Abdul’s ardent fan who was desperate for her to make a triumphant return to the show. Possibly on a parade float or something. That fan died a while back though. Everyone else seems rather indifferent.

Well, everyone except DeGeneres seems indifferent. Here’s what she says about joining the judges:

“So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I’ll save from not having to text my vote.”

Well that’s that. There is no longer room for Abdul at the long table. There’s some question as to what she’s gonna do next. If any of you know of a job opening wherein a person can lay around comatose sobbing about how she could be so stupid, and why won’t Simon call her back, get that to her agent, won’t you?

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If Kate Gosselin plays her cards right she could soon be the flagship of two TV shows.

Jon & Kate Plus 8 being the first, of course. That’s obvious. Her second show isn’t as conventional. That’s because Hugh Hefner has recently offered to pay to digitally add Gosselin to every single Diane-episode of Cheers that was ever filmed. Using Forrest Gump technology she’d be seen sitting between Norm & Cliff gnawing on pretzels & slobbery mail bags.

We would watch that. What we wouldn’t watch is anything where-in her clothes were off. That, in actuality, is where Hefner enters the story.

Well it’s good news and bad news for Kate Gosselin. The good news is that even though her husband hates her now and wishes she was never born, Hugh Hefner still finds her endlessly fascinating. Of course, given his age this could just be because she wears so many bright colours and styles her hair like a pregnant chicken, but still, she’s got what it takes to catch a man’s attention.

Hugh Hefner does find himself wondering what her magical milk-makers look like under all those shirts though, and he’d wager most men in America are desperate to know too.

He’s wrong, of course, but he’s allegedly offered her $400,000 to find out anyway. This according to the New York Daily News:

The octomom is said to have received a $400,000 offer from Hef to take it all off for Playboy, but she doesn’t plan to reveal her lady bits in the nudie mag. “Hugh sent her a letter, but Kate was totally mortified and threw it away! She didn’t think it was appropriate because of the children.”

Sorry Hugh, but it seems Kate is keeping her privies private. Jon, on the other hand, offered to sell this picture of what Kate usually looks like for under $10,000:

That’s a right steal, if you ask us – and authentically realistic! Still not good enough? Well that’s because you’re a hungry-eyed pervert. One thing you’ll have to look forward to though, pervert, is a glimpse of the extracted stomach skin Kate had removed in her tummy tuck surgery. Gosselin’s far to modest to pose for the cold, cold camera, but she’ll sure let you see her former front-flab. It’s been flying at a leathery half-mast in her yard ever since that last Kennedy died – just a’ flappin’ in the wind. Bravely flappin’. Flappin’ for America.

We hear it’s getting it’s own show on Spike TV.

We honestly heard that.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Poor Jack – stuck in those irons. Irons, of course, meaning chains in this case. And why, you may ask, is he stuck in chains? Well some would argue it’s because at some point in his life he’d been incarcerated.

Did we mention that he’s now a giant that haunts old, lonely English roads? Or that his chains are adorned with severed human heads?

Without a doubt, one of our favourite stories that we ever brought you was that of Spring-Heeled Jack. He used to hop around England scratching pretty young girls and then disappearing into the night. That’s creepy, right? Well if you don’t think so it’s only because you just read our synopsis up there.

Ol’ jumping Jack isn’t the only thing to have haunted England – the similarly named Jack-in-Irons also spends ample time patrolling the English countryside – more specifically, Yorkshire. Here’s your first briefing – it’s from Paralumun.com:

Jack In Irons Ghost is a famous English ghost that haunts the backroads of Yorkshire. He is a tall, evil looking figure that is covered in chains. He usually wears black robes. He usually haunts people by jumping out late at night and terrifying people who are alone at night. The chains that cover Jack are probably indicative of the fact that Jack died in a prison during the times when prisoners were also chained. Although he scares people, he does no further harm and just simply disappears.

That sounds like a practically cuddly spectre, doesn’t it? Well maybe that’s because they forgot to mention that Jack is also draped in the severed heads of his victims. That’s right, you read that right. To anchor this fact we’ll give you another quote – it’s out of the Encyclopedia Mythica Dictionary:

“[Jack-in-Irons is] a very dangerous giant who haunts the deserted roads in Yorkshire. He is covered with chains and the heads of his victims. His weapon is a large club with spikes.”

It’s worse than you thought, isn’t it? If you’re terrified already, then we are really sorry to tell you we think that despite what our first quotation said, it looks like Jack-in-Irons kills absolutely everybody he’s ever come across. This is our assumption as we can’t find a single witness account. Bigfoot has witnesses, Spring Heeled Jack had witnesses – but this guy? Nothing.

We assume he adds the head of everybody who sees him to his ornamentation. What we’d really like to know is this – does he wear the heads forever or do they have a sort of expiration date? Because if he leaves them hanging from him eternally, after 30 killings or so you’d think his movement would be very restricted. Kind of like the little brother in the snowsuit on A Christmas Story.

We’re gonna bet that the heads eventually rot and then naturally fall off.

It’s the most logical explanation.

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