You know how Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are totally getting a divorce? They are. Not that we’ve actually spoken to either of them because, regrettably, they’ve stopped taking our calls. But they are. They definitely, definitely are. Allegedly. (Definitely).
Why? Well, any marriage that tries to fix itself with Kabbalah deserves to fail. In fact, any marriage based on any kind of religious thinking deserves everything it gets (mostly, long loveless years bound by children, trapped into a corner by some false god – great!).
Another crucial factor is that Sara Leal (not a celebrity) is saying she had sex with Ashton on the eve of his wedding anniversary. Better still, she’s decided to tell us all about the lack of condom in the rutting. We definitely, definitely needed to know that. They must love each other or something.
That’s right folks! It was the morning of Ashton Kutcher’s sixth wedding anniversary and he went and threw his unguarded member into Sara Leal like there was no tomorrow! Like there was no impending celebration of his betrothal to Bruce Willis’ ex-wife!
HUZZAH!
Speaking to Us Weekly (so go sue those guys if this turns out to be a series of outrageous lies), Sara Leal says:
“He just came up and kissed me.”
Rumour has it that he didn’t even wear a condom when he first kissed her! THE SEX LUNATIC!
Leal then talks about going to Kutcher’s Hard Rock Hotel suite, ending up naked in a hot tub with Kutcher and another woman.
Look at that world. Ashton stinkin’ Kutcher. In a hot tub. With two naked women. Where’s the justice in that? He’s got a face like a ventriloquist’s dummy being sucked toward a black hole.
Anyway, Leal then says that around 6am, she ended up in Kutch’s room where “he lost his towel and I took my robe off,” Leal says. “Then we had sex.”
BUT WE WANT TO KNOW IF HE’S SOME KIND OF SEX LUNACTIC!
“He was good. It wasn’t weird or perverted.”
Boo. But he didn’t wear a condom. Right? Good. The best bit about this whole thing is Ashton’s lines that he used. Seriously. They’re priceless.
“He was like, ‘I enjoy things like this because I’m an actor 90 percent of the time and it’s fake. It’s nice to have moments that are real.'”
Haw haw!
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