Ashley Cole has more than his fair share of problems at the moment. There’s his recent divorce from Cheryl Cole.
There’s that ‘I hate England’ text message. There’s the fact that his place in the World Cup squad could have been filled by a blind toddler and nobody would have really noticed any different. There’s the fact that, by all accounts, he seems like a bit of a turd. The list goes on.So Ashley Cole needs cheering up. Perhaps someone could publicly describe sex with him in unnecessary detail. That’d help. Obviously everyone reading would end up crying and pooing and weeing and puking in an involuntary display of profound disgust, but if it makes Ashley happy again, so be it.
What? Someone has described sex with him? Hold on, we feel a cry and a poo and a wee and a puke coming on.
You might look at Ashley Cole and see an ungrateful love-rat millionaire who somehow manages to typify every single thing that’s wrong with modern football. But you’re wrong. In fact, Ashley Cole is an ungrateful love-rat millionaire who somehow manages to typify every single thing that’s wrong with modern football and is quite good at sex according to a slapper.
Although previous accounts of Ashley Cole’s sexual ability have been full of phrases like ‘really drunk’, ‘chain-smoking’ and ‘then he stopped, vomited all over my face and torso three or four times, and then carried on’, Ashley’s current squeeze – lapdancer Sarah Purnell – says that he’s actually tip-top in the sack. We’re going to quote her now. We cannot be held responsible for any nausea, loss of eyesight, spontaneous nosebleeds, hair loss, diarrhoea, permanent lack of libido or actual physical death you may develop after reading the next paragraph. MTV reports:
Sarah Purnell has revealed that Ashley is ‘brilliant in bed.’ Purnell told Star magazine: “He was perfect. it was fun. I was happy with everything… although normally I believe on going on dates before sleeping with someone if you think they will be long term… Ashley is so different to the man you see in the papers. They make out his is a complete slut-butt, but I think he is the opposite.”
Actually, we agree with Sarah here. Who’s to say that Ashley Cole is a slut-butt? Just because his wife left him when he had drunken, vomit-soaked sex with a couple of women behind her back, and because he then marked the divorce by immediately shagging a lapdancer that he’d just met, it doesn’t mean he’s anything like a slut-butt. Unless you like judging people based on their consistent behaviour, that is, in which case there’s a slight chance he might be.
Anyway, sorry for putting you off all food forever. We did warn you.
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