Getting people to watch the remade Melrose Place must be like putting a pig in a dress and asking strangers to hump it.
How can you improve it? Short of burning it to the ground and praying that nobody remembers it even existed, you probably can’t. But, hey the Melrose Place producers are a tenacious bunch, and they’re not giving up without a fight. By which we mean they’ve sacked Ashlee Simpson. Makes sense.
At least now we won’t have to think of the show as Melrose Place: Starring Ashlee Simpson any more. It’ll be Melrose Place: Starring, Oh, You Know, That Guy. You Know The One. That Guy Who Did That Thing. And A Girl. It’s much better.
This might sound a little harsh, but we’re pleased that Ashlee Simpson has been sacked from the cast of Melrose Place. Because the thought of a Simpson girl in full-time employment freaked the crap out of us. As everyone knows, the only work that Simpson girls are able to get must come in the form of a) intermittently-released trend-chasing pop albums that could have legitimately been made by any number of other singers, b) films that nobody will watch, c) reality shows about their suspicious relationships with men and d) reality shows about how fat they sometimes are.
But a long-term role in a TV drama? Frankly the thought of that filled us with dread. But luckily normality has been restored now that Ashlee Simpson has been given the boot. The New York Post reports:
Ashlee’s character Violet was a major suspect in the murder mystery that has gripped the show so far, and producers decided once it was resolved in episode 12 “she would go on her way.” … “Because we felt that once the murder mystery was resolved, the tone of the show was going to shift into a much more fun, romantic, sexy upbeat kind of show.” said executive producer Todd Slavkin.
So let’s get this right – Ashlee Simpson basically got the sack from Melrose Place because she’s not fun or romantic or sexy or upbeat? That’s got to hurt. But never mind, Ashlee – next time someone needlessly remakes a horrible 1990s TV show, and opts for a tone that boring, serious, dreary and slightly funny to look at, we’re sure you’ll be first on the casting list.
Actually, that’s unfair. Ashlee Simpson’s entire treatment at the hands of Melrose Place has been unfair, in fact. Remember when the show started, and the only reason that anyone paid attention was because Ashlee Simpson was going to be in it? What’s Melrose Place going to use as a marketing hook now? The fact that it stars Michael Rady from The Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants? Actually, it might. After all, it was desperate enough to use Ashlee Simpson as a marketing hook, so who knows?
Still, on the bright side at least Ashlee Simpson has more free time now. And if we were her we’d use it all trying to think of a baby name that’s worse than Bronx Mowgli. They say it can’t be done, you know.
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