When writers for hecklerspray finally kick the bucket/are assassinated, we hope that there will be moving tributes paid to us.
Whilst we don’t quite expect a sixty foot high bronze statue to be erected, we do hope that our works will at least be printed on to fish & chip wrappers. Or failing that, will someone at least promise to have a snippet of an article tattooed on to their back if they’re fat enough? If people really are good at doing their respected talent, their legacy usually goes on for years and years.
Just look at our lord saviour Jesus Christ. He’s not renowned for his carpentry skills, but for his amazing magic tricks. Can you turn water in to wine; feed thousand people from two fish and five loaves of bread? No, you can’t, you probably can’t construct a shelf. You’ve got nothing on Jesus.
Another person who’s never out of the news is Marilyn Monroe. Despite being six feet under for forty six years, people still get giddy when new documents about her emerge. So hold on to your replica wig as fresh footage has surfaced. For a price at auction of course.
Sometimes it’s confusing to see what all the fuss is about. Maybe it’s because hecklerspray hasn’t been part of a conspiracy theory or haven’t shagged a president. Yet. Still there’s plenty of time for this to happen to us and we hope everyone will go loopy for us and run around in circles due to the mass hysteria they are feeling due to our crazy, kooky and nutty antics.
At first we though it could be someone trying to resell the Marilyn Monroe sextape, but then we realised that the length of the tape was 47 minutes. No bloke can last that long despite what the replies in the worlds biggest penis thread say. Instead of some ropey sixties porn, the footage is just bog standard stuff of her doing everyday activities that doesn’t really make us go “wow Marilyn you are amazing, please show us how you do those things”. BBC News reports that the tape shows:
“Monroe looks relaxed and playful, having her hair done, chatting with crew and actors or just walking around clutching a coffee mug.”
Omg! Omg! Omg! We can see Marilyn doing things that normal people do! Wow, that means she was as common as us and you and wasn’t a super-person who had to sleep in specially constructed rooms to maintain her abnormal powers. With all these fine little details, we can use this information to become a bit more like her.
How ace will it be to use the same shampoo as Marilyn? Finally we can get those curls perfected and hopefully remain dandruff free. The same goes about her coffee. Not only can we drink the same brand, but we can mimic how she holds her cup and see if she was a slurper as she knocked back the caffeine. Some people may see this is as stalking, but we prefer the term “getting closer to someone who is no longer with us”.
The 47 minute film which was filmed on set during the film The Misfits could Fetch up to £10,000 this weekend when the footage is flogged off in Las Vegas. There are two sorts of buyers we imagine for this sort of film. A) Your hardcore fan that will spend his time wacking one off to the film as he plays it on constant repeat all day, everyday. B) A group of casual fans who want the world to see their favourite star in a positive light and not involved in another seedy story involving lust and overpriced paintings. Whilst option B would be the better outcome, we presume that a fanaticworshipper will purchase the tape and spend his days taunting the failed bidders. His cries of “work that coffee cup bitch” may be too traumatic for some fans to handle. It may cause them to stop fanaticising over a person whose been dead for a long time.
Hecklerspray does have an alternative for you though if you miss out on buying the tape. For £100 we will let you film us drink cups of tea, battle with the photocopier, accidently staple our fingers and get angry with keyboards that don’t work. Surely that’s much more exciting then watching Marilyn Monroe wash her hair. The same women who’d at best only manage to be a substitute Big Brother contestant nowadays.
To read more, see "Unseen Monroe Reels Go To Auction" on BBC
Joke Police says
My prayers have been answered. This article is a red rag to a Bullinghaus.
(waits patiently…)
euclid says
The footage, I’m sure we’ll soon be told, is
doubtless fake. Or maybe Bellinghaus is a fake,
invented by E. Cunningham, née Heritage, aka Laidlow.
It’s all coming together in my crusty crackerbox mind…
Mathew Laidlow is Marilyn’s nom de plume; she’s not dead,
her death was a fake; she writes for HecklerSpray and
invented M. Bildungscheisen as a ploy to generate publicity
for her former self.
gir says
The layers of conspiracy are complex indeed…
THE GIRL says
You’re stupid!
Gilbert Wham says
Who, me? What’d I do?