People have started staring at Abbey Clancy’s fingers a lot lately, which makes a change to be honest.
Usually they stare at her boobs. Or her face, as they silently think “You can’t be as stupid as you look. You just can’t be. You’d barely be able to even stand upright if you were”. But now it’s her fingers. That’s because Abbey Clancy’s fingers are the key indicators of her relationship with Peter Crouch. If her engagement ring is on, they’re OK. If it’s not, they’re not.
And yesterday, following reports that Peter Crouch had acted like a sex pest in a nightclub, Abbey Clancy’s ring was off. But don’t worry – tomorrow she’ll remember that he’s loaded and it’ll be back on. Then a newspaper will publish a photo of him fondling a horse and it’ll be back off again. It’s a fun game, you should try it.
The story so far, then: beloved robot impersonator and Pringles salesman Peter Crouch was accused of having it off with a teenage Algerian prostitute despite being engaged to Abbey Clancy. However, because she loves him on a spiritual level – and not because he’s incredibly wealthy and she’s fixated on material possessions – Abbey eventually decided to forgive him. And they all lived happily ever after.
At least until photos were published in yesterday’s News Of The World that appeared to show Peter Crouch – drunk, smoking and generally looking like a sun-blistered Stretch Armstrong doll – nuzzling several women in a nightclub, with one of them calling him a ‘blatant sex pest’. Because now Abbey Clancey’s taken her engagement ring off again. The Sun reports:
Abbey Clancy tore off her engagement ring again yesterday – amid fresh revelations about rat Peter Crouch.? The TV presenter, 24, had only just put it back on after forgiving the soccer ace’s hooker romp.
All these revelations about Peter Crouch remind us of last year’s Tiger Woods fiasco. But this is much worse for two reasons. First, unlike Elin Nordegren, Abbey Clancy isn’t married to Peter Crouch, so if she leaves him she’ll have to rely on the scarce earnings of whichever third division footballer she ends up with next instead of raking in millions of pounds in the divorce. And secondly, Peter Crouch physically looks like two Tiger Woods standing on another Tiger Woods’s shoulders in a raincoat, which is obviously much worse.
What’ll happen next is anyone’s guess. Our prediction is that Abbey will eventually forgive Peter and put her ring back on. Then there’ll be some more photos and she’ll take it off again. Then it’ll go on, then off, then on, then off, and then on and off so many times that her finger will pop off and then she’ll squirt blood into a bus driver’s eye and then he’ll crash the bus into a tree and everyone will die and it’ll all be Peter Crouch’s fault.You wait and see.
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