God bless Eva Longoria. All the Desperate Housewives have had press lately – for child abuse, Oscar nominations, Michael Bolton-engaging, having nice hair – but Eva Longoria wants in, damnit!
Perhaps sensing that the world is full of awkward 14-year-olds ready to wank themselves into stumps the second Eva Longoria says or does anything vaguely to do with sex, she’s given an interview with Allure magazine where she appears to have opened her mouth and turned off her brain just to see what came out. And this is what came out: Eva Longoria more or less had to teach her boyfriend how to have sex.
Unusually, Eve Longoria (DVDs) has been the quiet one out of Desperate
Housewives over the last few months. Reduced to basically being a
walking cameltoe while Marcia Cross won awards for having lovely hair, Nicollette Sheridan got engaged to Michael Bolton, Felicity Huffman got nominated for an Oscar
and Teri Hatcher told everyone about being abused as a child (not
reported by hecklerspray – we must have lost our notebook full of pithy
child-abuse wisecracks), Eva Longoria was made to suffer in silence.
But not any longer. Having already told the world how brilliant shaved vaginas
are, Eva Longoria decided to change tactics for her Allure magazine
interview, and instead reveal that her boyfriend Tony Parker needed a
bit of help with the bedroom buckaroo when they first met:
"I’m the experienced one. I’m the teacher, especially about love… He’s only been with one other person in his life."
Thank
god that Tony Parker isn’t a professional sportsman or anything* – Christ knows what
kind of brilliant and obscene insults visiting supporters would hurl at him after
reading what Eva thinks about him. But while not publicly demeaning his
sexual prowess, Eva Longoria also took time during the Allure interview
to discuss her future with Parker. When asked if they were planning on
marrying anytime soon, she said:
"No, no, no. But we know exactly what we want in our future. Our children will speak French."
Read more:
Longoria says of her romance with Parker: ‘I’m the teacher’ – USA Today
*yes, we know.
[story by Stuart Heritage]
bib says
Where’s the cameltoe pic?
w.y. says
An other Debra Lafave?