5 Sexy Celebs That Are Hardly Celebs Anymore

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Hollywood has been jam packed with young, sexy celebrities who hit the scene, quickly become It Girls and Heart throbs, dominate bullshit magazines like Seventeen, then hit their late 20s/early 30s and basically become completely insignificant, because, let’s face it, you were never that talented, just new, young, and sexy.

I mean, remember when Megan Fox was huge and like the biggest sex symbol in the world? Now who gives a fuck about her? Hashtag no one. She’s hot, but has the acting range of my great grandmother (my great grandmother is dead). You can say that all you need to make it in Hollywood is a pretty face and hot bod, but these five celebs prove that looking good sure doesn’t lead to a long career.

Jessica Biel

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Back in the day, Jessica Biel starred as the sexy teen daughter of a reverend on the super preachy family drama, “7th Heaven”. Then, to break away from her good girl image, she posed topless at the ripe age of 17. After that, Jessica Biel became an international sex symbol and got a lot of work. Sure, she was super hot, but after a while people began to realize that her talent didn’t go much further than having a great ass and stellar boobs. The last movie I saw Jessica Biel in was a straight to Netflix shitty horror movie. Now the most relevant thing about her is being Justin Timberlake’s wife. Realistically, she needs to have a kid with J. Tim asap before he leaves her to go back to his one true love, Britney Spears. Having his kid would be an 18 year meal ticket so it wouldn’t really matter that her career is drying up. 18 years of child support from Justin Timberlake is almost as good as getting a permanent gig on “The Young and the Restless” (which she should actually look into and I would support as long as she doesn’t fuck with Nick and Sharon’s true love always).

Freddie Prinze Jr.

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I remember being 11-years-old and seeing “I Know What You Did Last Summer” for the first time and thinking “Good lord, this is the best looking movie of all time.” Sarah Michelle Gellar, Ryan Phillippe, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Freddie Prinze Jr. all in their physical prime starring in a sexy teen slasher movie? Hells yes. Freddie went on to marry my forever #womancrushwednesday, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and then he basically turned into a stay at home dad. Freddie is a super handsome guy and not even a bad actor (I own both “Scooby Doo” movies on dvd thank you very much) so I’d like to see him get some work, but, sadly, like Jessica Biel, he’s now mostly just famous for being the spouse of a cultural icon (Buffy forever).

Mischa Barton

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Like Biel (and basically everyone else on this list), Mischa Barton got her big break on a teen television show (The OC). When the show became a hit, Mischa became a mega It Girl and was on all the magazine covers, had tons of stories in Us Weekly, and people genuinely gave a shit about her. That’s when Mischa got too big for her britches, as my nan would say, and decided to quit her tv gig and parlay it into a movie career (bitch please, that basically never works).

They killed off her character, and soon the show and her career were just as dead as Marissa. While the other young leads on the show went on to star on other television projects and indie films, Mischa (sadly) became most famous for being a hot mess and having a lot of cellulite (SKINNY GIRLS GET CELLULITE, TOO! IT’S NATURAL! 80-90% OF WOMEN HAVE IT! STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME HATE MY THIGHS, STAR MAGAZINE!). She got arrested for a DUI, had a nervous breakdown, tried to make a comeback, and has now basically fallen off the face of the earth. Her story is probably the saddest on the list. I’m such a bummer.

Chad Michael Murray

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And now for a story that’s totally tragic in a whole other way. Chad Michael Murray is tragic, not because his career fizzled out, but more so because I think he’s the most tragic douche on the planet. Chad starred as Lucas Scott on probably my favorite cheesy teen drama, “One Tree Hill”, and the show was fucking awesome.

Lucas Scott was supposed to be the main character on the show and the brother the audience loved, but soon James Lafferty, who played his half brother, Nathan Scott, stole the show by being the more complex and interesting character (plus he got sexier every season). While all the other characters evolved, Lucas kind of stayed the same and that got real boring real fast.

In real life, Chad married his gorgeous co-star, Sophia Bush (who played the shows best character, Brooke Davis, a total feminist icon), but they got it annulled after five months because he allegedly cheated on her with human trash bag, Paris Hilton, while shooting the bullshit movie, House of Wax. Who cheats on a woman this fine with Paris fucking Hilton?

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She’s so hot it’s ridiculous! And her voice? Droooool. Anyway, after they broke up, he started dating a teenage extra on the show and quickly got engaged to her (he’s all class). After six seasons, he left the show to pursue other things and other things turned into sitting at home in his sweatpants wearing those douchey flip flops he’s always wearing. He really should’ve sucked the teet of “One Tree Hill” for as long as he could.

Blake Lively

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Here’s the thing, I think Blake Lively is super sexy and I’ve been obsessing over whether her boobs are real or not for like EVER (they’re just TOO perfect and perky), but homegirls acting shows about as much expression as Nicole Kidman’s forehead. Blake Lively is the Nicole Kidman’s forehead of acting! She starred on a sexy teen drama (like basically all these other bitches), but when the show ended, her career basically did, too. Now she’s talking about how she wants to be the next Gwyneth Paltrow and be some sort of lifestyle guru? Bitch, that is a bad move! On the bright side, you can always cry into your sexy husband, Ryan Reynolds, bulging arms. I’m sure you guys have a lot of time for sex since both your careers are kind of fading away, right?

 

 

 

 

 

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