Whoever came up with the idea for the MTV Video Music Awards was a genius.
You fill the room with over inflated egos, throw in half a dozen cameras and make them all fight for the attention and admiration of the viewers at home, like some kind of musical Hunger Games. This year’s show was no different – some tried good old fashioned showmanship, some wore ridiculous costumes, and one person in particular tried to vibrate her ass against Robin Thicke before getting frisky with a giant foam finger.
No prizes for guessing who that was.
The red carpet was much duller than it has been in previous years – even Lady Gaga looked dull as dishwater, and she thrives on making claw their faces in despair with her choice of outfits. Mind you, once you’ve been carried into an awards ceremony in a giant egg, there’s really nowhere to go but down.
She kicked off the show by performing ‘Applause’ in various wigs that were supposed to form a timeline of her career, all five years of it. Whilst it’s impressive that she only had her hip operated on a short while ago and is already cavorting around in stripper heels and doing real dance routines, the performance wasn’t really all that memorable.
Miley Cyrus soon picked up the slack, though. She climbed through a giant teddy bear looking a little like a cartoon version of Gwen Stefani circa 1995, and proceeded to screech along to ‘We Can’t Stop’. This involved a lot of awkward twerking and sticking her tongue out like a golden retriever on heat. Honestly, the thing doesn’t stay inside her mouth for more than five seconds at a time. Just watching it is enough to chap your lips.
Robin Thicke then strolled on stage looking like the lovechild of Robert Downey Jnr and Beetlejuice for a duet of, what else, ‘Blurred Lines’ with Miley, who is wearing a latex bikini and giant foam finger at this point in time, because why shouldn’t she be. It’s about time that the whole twerking fad burned out, and hopefully the collective shudder of embarrassment from all those who watched this performance should start the ball rolling.
Seriously, the tongue. Miley knows what she’s playing at here – even if we’re all talking about how much we dislike her, we’re still talking about her. You can’t help but feel bad for Robin Thicke – he’s probably not going to get another big performance at the VMAs again, and he’s been overshadowed by a tongue that’s dancing like it’s in the final stages of Parkinson’s disease.
Lil Kim wandered on stage to present an award to Macklemore for best Hip Hop video for ‘Can’t Hold Us’. She jabbers a lot about how the awards are in Brooklyn while Iggy Azalea tries not to look like she’d rather be anywhere but there.
Kanye West’s big performance was a complete snoozefest compared to what everybody else was doing. So much so that nobody has even bothered putting a video of it on YouTube. If you didn’t see it, his shadow was projected onto a backdrop of some woods. Not really that groundbreaking, but it was a nice to rest the eyes for a little while.
Taylor Swift accepted an award for the ‘Trouble’ video and apparently threw shade at whichever one of her many, many conquests inspired it. The one from One Direction, maybe. They weren’t having a great night, because they also got booed on their way to pick up an award.
Justin Timberlake gave the longest performance of anyone, ever, and even invited his old band members from NSYNC onstage to stand behind him as they sang thirty seconds of their biggest hit. In the music biz, this is known as ‘pulling a Beyonce’. Props to Justin for both dancing and singing the entire way through, and managing to catch that microphone that was shot out the crowd.
Finally, Katy Perry rounded out the night with an overly gimmicky performance of ‘Roar’ where she like, totally showed off how much of a fighter she is by parading round a boxing ring and punching the air. How subtle. Her vocals were pretty solid though, so all was not lost.
And so, the curtain closes on another Video Music Awards. But there’s time for one more little nugget – to finish up proceedings, here’s the Smith family reaction to seeing Hannah Montana getting down with her bad self: