Want to know what the best Oscar speech ever made was? Look no further than Goodfellas star Joe Pesci, who sauntered onto the platform, hoisted his statuette in the air, looked out into the crowd and said "It’s a privilege, thank you."
And then left.
Chances are you’ll have watched last nights Oscar ceremony (or at least some bubble-headed GMTV ’round-up’ of the highlights) by the time you read this. And chances are also that you’ll have sat – car crash bystander paralysis rooting you to your seat – through a seemingly endless cavalcade of weeping, arse-kissing, god-thanking and other such celebrity award-getting malarkey.
Yet these days it seems like anyone can get an Oscar – from second assistant to the make-up person to Tom Cruise’s Personal Embarrassment Wrangler (whom, after a particularly busy year, may well be seeking a second-in-command of their own).
It’s almost as if someone should produce a training video that guides prospective winners through their prospective speeches. And then get Tom Hanks to narrate it. No – wait. That’s exactly what someone should do. Immediately and without question.
And you know what? They have. They really have ….
The film – titled An Insider’s Guide To Hollywood: What Nominees Need To Know – is a comprehensive list of do’s and don’ts for the big evening, featuring embarrassing clips such as tear-stained lunatic Gwyneth Paltrow warbling like a hippie riding a bike down a cobbled street as she accepted her gong for Worst Film Ever Shakespeare In Love.
Tom Hanks (DVDs) informs viewers that "wit, creativity and flair" are all important factors when crafting the perfect speech (which makes it lucky for Keanu Reeves that he’s missed out on a little golden statue thus far). He also tells potential winners that it would be a foolish move to start hugging and fondling every second superstar they will bypass en route to the stage:
"Instead of hugging everyone in a 10-row radius, you might have to settle for a few fast high-fives as you sprint down the aisle."
Not that hecklerspray needs such advice. As soon as we pick up that Best Original Screenplay award (five years, tops), we’re going to make an arm-flailing beeline straight for Winona Ryder. And keep ‘hugging’ her until the security people drag us away.
Still. Despite the fact that it’s now too late for the 2006 Oscar-grabbers, hecklerspray would also like to throw our hats into the advice-giving ring. We therefore present our Top Ten Tips For A Successful Oscar Speech:
– Don’t just thank God in your speech. Assert his dominance over other such deities by referring to Allah as a "pansy-boy gaylord."
– When mentioning how great the other nominees are, don’t forget to mouth the words "like shit they are" directly to camera.
– Everyone loves jokes about child abuse. Try to slip a few of these into your routine.
– When collecting the Best Screenplay award, it is probably best not to mention that you initially came up with the idea while torturing your 23rd victim to death.
– If you should bump into Harrison Ford, turn away immediately. He just isn’t ‘hot’ anymore.
– Everyone will understand if the passion of the moment makes you want to furiously vomit on stage. They may not be too keen on the licking-it-up-afterwards part.
– If Paris Hilton is in attendance, don’t forget to thank her during your speech. You never know – you may get a decent shag out of it.
– Should Kirk Douglas present you with your award, it may be in bad taste to humorously mimic his stroke-afflicted manner of speech. Why not wait until afterwards when you’re alone with your friends?
– No, you may not replace the original inscription with World’s Biggest Penis.
– Try to overcome the ‘curse‘ of the Best Supporting Actress Award by agreeing to work with John Carpenter / Michael Winner / Guy Ritchie. That’s a surefire success move.
Read More:
Tom Hanks’ Speech Promo – Female First
[story by C J Davies]
Don Grimm says
Tom Hanks is awesome!