That’s usually followed by the thought “I know, I’ll dress up as a victim of human trafficking and dick around inside a bloody great cage for a while. That’ll show THOSE BASTARDS!” And that’s the precise thought that Miley Cyrus appears to have just had, because the video to her new single Can’t Be Tamed shows her doing exactly that.
Yes, our little Miley Cyrus is all grown up. Can’t Be Tamed is said to represent ‘the next step of Miley’ – which is presumably the step where she rips off things that Britney Spears was doing at the height of her mental difficulties. It’s a fierce act of teenage rebellion on Miley Cyrus’s part, so we’ve isolated the top ten rebellious moments from the Can’t Be Tamed video, after the jump…
Before we start, we should probably show you the full Miley Cyrus Can’t Be Tamed video. If you encounter any technical problems with the player, or are simply too busy to watch it, then our advice would be to trap a crow inside a budgie cage and poke it in the face with a stick while you play If U Seek Amy by Britney Spears through a crappy pair of speakers, because that’s more or less all it is anyway. Ready?
Now chances are that, rather than actually watch it, you spent the duration of that video screaming “BUT MILEY, YOU’RE ONLY ABOUT SIX YEARS OLD!” at your computer screen. If that’s the case, relax – we’ve combed the Can’t Be Tamed video for the ten moments which most accurately depict how grown up Miley Cyrus actually is now…
Miley Cyrus Can’t Be Tamed video scene 1
Here she is, all grown up. By ‘grown up’, we obviously mean ‘dressed like one of those creepy soulless child beauty contest applicants, perhaps for a contest called Lil Miss Prostitute or something’. Just so we’re all clear.
Miley Cyrus Can’t Be Tamed video scene 2
Ah, you see, Miley Cyrus got wings and she’s in a cage. In case you were wondering, the wings represent her spirit and the cage represents her fame. And the nest represents all the money she’s got. And the little tiny knickers represent the fact that she’ll be starring in straight-to DVD erotic thrillers by the time she turns 23. Probably
Miley Cyrus Can’t Be Tamed video scene 3
Miley Cyrus Can’t Be Tamed video scene 4
More symbolism. Here, by furiously pushing away this man’s hand, Miley Cyrus is declaring that she doesn’t need help from anyone. Unless, you know, they’re a gigantic multinational entertainment corporation, because in that case she would actually quite like some help please.
Miley Cyrus Can’t Be Tamed video scene 5
Of course. Simulated cunnilingus. Those of you with ‘simulated cunnilingus’ on your Miley Cyrus’s Transparent Attempts To Appeal To An Adult Audience bingo cards may now tick the box. Remember, that’s ‘simulated cunnilingus’, not ‘simulated fellatio’, ‘actual cunnilingus’ or ‘appearing on the cover of Rolling Stone with her arse out’. Mark your cards carefully.
Miley Cyrus Can’t Be Tamed video scene 6
YEAH! Miley Cyrus and her new friends are CRAZY! If they see a stuffed bear behind some glass in a museum, they’ll totally just smash the glass for no immediately pertinent reason! Don’t try to stop them, that’s just how they roll. They’re CRAZY!
Miley Cyrus Can’t Be Tamed video scene 7
Miley Cyrus Can’t Be Tamed video scene 8
Brilliant! We have ‘almost kissing an angry woman of indistinct ethnicity’ on our Miley Cyrus’s Transparent Attempts To Appeal To An Adult Audience bingo card. Why, we’re just one ‘public urination’ away from winning a speedboat! Hooray for Miley Cyrus! You can do it!
Miley Cyrus Can’t Be Tamed video scene 9
Look, there’s no nice way to say this. If you even so much as look at this picture, your name gets automatically added to the sex offenders register. We look forward to pelting your house with eggs, you monster.
Miley Cyrus Can’t Be Tamed video scene 10
And here she is at the end of the video, back in the cage that she made such an effort to escape from. This, in case you’re wondering, represents the grim-faced 2025 Hannah Montana reunion show that Miley Cyrus will inevitably agree to make out of financial necessity about a decade after she stops being famous.