Move over David Beckham! There's a new kid in town, and he's way more famous than you'll ever be! He's also smaller, more covered in blankets and probably way more confused and terrified than you too, but that's beside the point.
Early this morning Madonna finally got her new partially-adopted child from Malawi – one-year-old David Banda – into Britain. And Madonna gave David Banda exactly the welcome that a superstar of his nature deserves, namely a flight on a private jet followed by a journey through an airport with his entire body covered by a blanket and Madonna nowhere to be seen. It's hard to understand how this traumatic-seeming arrival to the UK will affect little David Banda, but we're certainly looking forward to reading about it in the 2031 David Banda autobiography, provisionally entitled What The Fuck Were You Thinking, Madonna?
All women have slightly different biological clocks, and that includes Madonna. However, Madonna's biological clock might need winding up a bit more than everyone else's, since in the past it's ordered her to marry Sean Penn, have it off with the funny-looking woman from Roseanne, do a wee on Naomi Campbell for a book, have a baby, marry the cockney goon who made Snatch, have another baby and then prance around in the world's most inappropriate leotard for a while. And, most recently, Madonna's biological clock has been yelling at her to go and adopt a brown baby from Malawi.
Despite what everyone else thinks – including her adoption-denying slave and her adoption-disliking husband and just about every human rights organisation going – Madonna has done exactly that. Madonna won interim custody of David Banda last week and, now that passport issues have been resolved, David has come to Britain from Malawi to live with his new kind-of Mum. According to Sky:
Looking cute as a button, 13-month-old David Banda has landed in Britain. Despite the controversy surrounding Madonna's adoption of the Malawian baby boy, things look to be going her way. David touched down on English soil this morning, having been flown by private jet from Malawi. He was accompanied by a nanny and three members of Madonna's personal staff, and should be reunited with Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie within the next few days.
Meanwhile, the moral issues behind Madonna adopting a child from Malawi seemingly on a whim are still raging, with claims that David Banda's father in Malawi doesn't understand that he's given up his child forever, and human rights organisations angry that Madonna appears to have bent several international adoption rules in her rush to get hold of David.
On the other hand, Madonna's super-wealthy lifestyle means that David Banda will live a life far more comfortable than if he stayed in Malawi, with as many giant crucifixes and brand new toilet seats to play with as he'll ever wish for. Plus Madonna won't ever have to give David Banda that difficult 'birds and bees' talk when he becomes a teenager – she can just sling a DVD copy of Body Of Evidence into his lap when the time arises and be done with it.
Still, more than anything all this proves what a prophetic lyricist Madonna is – 20 years ago Madonna sang "I'm keeping my baby," and now it looks like she really is. Hopefully Madonna's not too prophetic, though – the day that the line "Hanky panky, there's nothing like a good spanky (good spanky)" comes true is the day, friends, that we kill ourselves.
[story by Stuart Heritage]