Yesterday the world was ablaze with the news that Madonna, fresh from earning more money by singing some songs on tour that you'll ever see in your measly lives, had gone to Malawi to adopt a little AIDS orphan boy.
Sadly though, it looks like everyone got it wrong. While Madonna has gone to Malawi to help the orphans, Madonna has been getting her slaves to deny that she's going to adopt one and bring him back with her, on the basis that – since many villages in Malawi are without electricity – the orphans that stay there will be much less likely to ever watch Swept Away and so therefore are much less likely to guffaw at Madonna's acting than they would be if they became a child of Madonna's.
It's very fashionable at the moment for celebrities to bugger off to Africa, scoop up as many orphans as they can fit in their suitcases and rush them back to America to adopt them. Angelina Jolie started the adoption fad and Jessica Simpson constantly witters on about it, but yesterday it was reported that Madonna – the biggest, richest celebrity of them all – had gone to Malawi to find an orphan to adopt. But think about it; Madonna copying Jessica Simpson? What kind of messed-up situation is that? Anyone who heard Jessica Simpson's last single will know that things tend to work the other way round.
No, Madonna doesn't follow trends – Madonna sets trends. When Madonna fell off a horse, thousands of other people hurled themselves off horses just to be like Madonna. When Madonna got a hernia, thousands of other people threw on inappropriate leotards and attempted to lick their own vaginas too, hoping that their intestines would push through a hole in their abdominal wall so they could be as cool as Madonna. And the least said about the current worldwide trend for strapping yourself to giant mirrored crucifixes and singing bad techno the better.
So, even though the Malawi government released a statement saying about Madonna:
"She asked us to identify boys only, which we have done
after visiting four orphanages in Lilongwe."
Madonna isn't going to adopt an orphan in Malawi, according to erstwhile Madonna slave Liz Rosenberg:
"She has not adopted a child. She went on a private visit to Malawi… to participate in the building of an orphanage and several other initiatives that are all under the auspices of an organisation called Raising Malawi… I think that anything that brings attention to the country is fine with her, even if it's information that's not correct. She wants people to pay attention to Malawi and to the 1 million children who don't have parents and don't have care there."
So, although Madonna isn't going to adopt an orphan in Malawi, presumably the plans to invest $3 million in an orphan centre that will teach Malawi orphans a Kabbalah-based curriculum still stand. Perhaps it's for the best that Madonna doesn't want to adopt an orphan – the logistics of it would be nightmare. Immediately the toilet seat bill for the Madonna household would double for a start, and a one-year-old would grow out of his especially-tailored tweed pretend lord of the manor three piece suit so fast.
[story by Stuart Heritage]