Life can be hard when you're a triple-nippled pop munchkin like Lily Allen – if it wasn't bad enough having the tooth fairy as a father, now Lily Allen's been banned from America because she beat up a photographer two months ago.
At least that's what we assume. Lily Allen's US work visa was cancelled after she flew into Los Angeles airport to help launch this year's MTV music awards. It's thought that Lily's American ban stems from the assault arrest she received in June, although it could just be that the immigration employee working at LAX upon Lily Allen's arrival was a super-huge fan of Cheryl Cole out of Girls Aloud and decided to chuck Lily out of the country for calling her a bitch once. But Lily Allen shouldn't get too down about her America ban – after all, now she'll be able to focus more on breaking that notoriously tough Liechtenstein market.
Lily Allen hasn't had a bunch of luck with America lately. After being hailed by one and all as the brightest British pop hope in ages, Lily Allen popped over to America earlier this year to try and win the country over with her unique blend of reggae-tinged pop and gor blimey fake-chav attitude to life. But America was tough on Lily Allen. America wasn't interested when Lily Allen tried to diss Lindsay Lohan like she'd dissed Cheryl Cole and Corinne Bailey Rae and Lady Sovereign, and it certainly didn't want to buy any of her pikey clothes.
Eventually in April Lily Allen quit her American tour a broken woman. But the experience just made Lily stronger. She vowed that next time she went to America, everyone would know who Lily Allen was. And now everyone does – she's the singer who can't get into America because she beat up a photographer recently. BBC News reports:
Pop star Lily Allen has had her US work visa cancelled after arriving at Los Angeles International Airport. A spokesman for the singer said: "She's still in America. All her commitments will carry on as normal. The work visa will be sorted out by her next visit."… In a statement the singer said: "I am trying everything I can to sort this out. It is my intention to play my American dates in September. This depends on the authorities granting me a new work visa. I want my fans to know that I will do everything I can to be back in America in September. I don't like letting my fans down and this is a situation that I am sure we can sort."
It's assumed that Lily Allen was banned from America because of the photographer-punching incident, but it's equally likely that US customs officials suspected that Lily Allen's third nipple was concealing a rudimentary detonator or something. After all, it's a short step from singing a song about smiling to committing a widescale mass terrorist attack on civilians. Especially when you do either of them in a pretend cockney voice.
Wait, we get it – America just banned Lily Allen because Britain banned Snoop Dogg earlier this year and it's out for revenge. Well, if you want to play hardball America, so be it. For forcing us to keep Lily Allen, we solemnly swear to ban all British imports into your country. Let's see how long you last without warm trifle, Mr Brain's Faggots and the comedy of Justin Lee Collins, shall we? We'll be waiting for your apology.
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Kippertron says
No no no, send her to America. The beckhams can sort her out. And that bloke from House. And also if you’ve got room for Dale Winton, James Morrison and Pete Doherty then you can have him too. We’ve got Gwyneth here, so it’s the least you can do
Pancho says
Punching out a snot nosed eggressive paparazzi is not a crime. The photog probably deserved even more humiliation. Let her into the country. She is FAR more welcome than the Saudis who were allowed entry only to destroy nearly 3000 lives in NYC
Buck Wheat says
I am offended by this article’s provincial attitude. Contrary to what you think, there are plenty of Anglophiles in America, and we don’t discriminate based on the nation of origin. Do you really think after 231 years of sovereign rule that America is holding its breath to see what trends will come from the UK? Why not look at the root cause of any action against Lily Allen instead of positing an incendiary comment like tit for tat regarding Snopp Dogg? Assault is a serious crime and speaks to her nature, just as it does to Britney Spears lack of decency when she accosted photographers with an umbrella. While I’m not a fan of pop music, I think everyone should have a chance to work wherever they want, even if it means bringing music of questionable taste to a new audience. Your slam against Liiechtenstein was unnecessary and did not contribute anything worthwhile to your specious argument.
Jeff says
Blimey Limey, this obscure bitch didnt get her work visa revoked, trust me it takes a lot more then an alleged assault on the paparazzi for the United States to even take notice!
plus we are way to involved in Lohan’s troubles to worry about someone across the pond right now.
Doubletime says
If I sang like Ms. Allen, I doubt I’d be let into a Dogs House!!
NomoStew says
So long as you do not blockade YouTube feeds of Top Gear, you can keep everything else – particularly since you seem unwilling to share the two other things Americans would crave if they only knew – Cornish pasties and Lucozade. Whoa. Now there’s a mind-blower – watching Top Gear on mute while listening to Lily Allen, drinking Lucozade and eating a pasty.
Anonymous says
Who is Lily Allen? Never heard of her….
el che says
in response to Buck Wheat:
Take a chill’ dude and stop being so serious, the article was meant to be witty. In the United States we have comedy not wit. I am embarrassed to admit most of us, from the States, don’t know the difference or have the capacity to understand it..
Dry English Wit (http://www.beeker.net/humor/jokearchive/msg00210.html)
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. “You English
are too stuffy.
“You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips
make your above the rest of us. Look at me…I’m me, I have Italian
blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood.
What do you say to that?”
The Englishman replied, “Very sporting of your mother.”
Kevin says
so we revoke a performer’s visa for work…not to live here…..just to work…but we let mexicans break the law to cross the border everyday to stay here and live? wtf?
pamela says
Oh leave the girl alone.
da chef says
SO WHAT?? she can go to mexico or canada, maybe the former su…and put on her ‘shows’…they got lots of spare change to spend on a concert of another musically challenged ‘talent’
gregory says
Never heard of her.
mas lebtra says
oh good grief, you let terrorists blow up 3k of your people and millions of illegal mexicans work, live,play in your country and you can only publically hassrass the musicians of the world??? Musicians who provide the much needed entertainment, stress relief and general joy for your citizens, oh no, cant have that, you just HAVE to be idiots about every thing, there is no forgiveness in america, no tolerance, im sure the poor girl said sorry and wasnt an al’kaida mercenary but you wont leave well enough alone will you. Im disgusted in americans, do as we say, but dont do as we do. God will deal with americans separately because your so special, im sure of it.
Jonathan says
it’s obvious why she was banned from America: she’s one of the British cows with a serious case of foot-in-mouth disease…
JK says
…mas lebtra Says:
millions of illegal mexicans work, live,play in
Excuse me Dick Tracy, allow illegals to work here?????? American people DON’T want them here, it’s big mack, jack and hack that want them. Don’t you read the papers toots? And who are you? What do you care what WE do in our own country? This is our home, not yours… And frankly, we don’t give a rats a.s.s. what you think. And ummm…since you are all so hyped up and offended by what we do in OUR country, why don’t you give your name and address and we’ll just pop her along to you okay? And you have a lot of nerve bringing up God, since this country was FOUNDED on God. Get a grip there Mecha
Grady Philpott says
Lilly who?
Heidi says
Tisk. Tisk, Stuart. I offered you Eva Longoria and you turned me down, …harshly. I’ve found the right strings and I’ve pulled them. You’ll not saddle us with another Backham, Mr. Bean or “Footballers Wives” again. (Although, I am a bit hooked on “Airline UK”). Now take the Tom Cruise Scientolo-clan off our hands and we’ll call it even. They’re in Germany. You’re closer than me, you can go pick them up. Final offer. Accept or we’ll not see Amy Winehouse vomiting on US soil any time soon. Still, Stuart>>>Love.
Sven says
Since Lilly’s banned for being mean to a photographer, a similar ban can be made for Lindsay, Britteny, and Courtney Love, among others. Surely the UK would not accept them. But perhaps Bahrain, or Belize, or one of the countries in Asia Minor? Most Americans would be deeply grateful.
Randy says
Hey i want to see the third nipple… Its about time we as Americans stand for something and not back down, she needs to respect the US or just stay out.. try that with out making millions..
Jake says
It’s not like the US legal system is good now Paris & Nicole anyone? They are obviously just picking on her.
And to the idiots who read this article and saw America and Britain and therefore started to fight about what country is better go fall in a well.
kiki says
no she needs to come to america her music saves me everydayyy!!! I want to see her live! omg i am so mad about this…so what everyone has opens specially americans
mistermacaroniandcheese says
LILLY ALLEN IS BANNED FROM ALL OF AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…………………atleast thats what we assume. <— Hmm figures. ROFL and this my friends is why I never take the media seriously