If I Did It, OJ Simpson's book about his hypothetical involvement in the double murder he was cleared of, came out this weekend and OJ Simpson celebrated in the traditional way – by getting arrested for armed robbery.
Yesterday morning OJ Simpson was arrested by Las Vegas police and charged with six felony counts after he was apparently involved in an alleged hotel room robbery. According to reports, OJ Simpson and five other men burst into the hotel room of two sports memorabilia dealers waving guns and took several items autographed by OJ Simpson himself. It'd look like OJ Simpson was in a lot of trouble all over again, except that nobody was hurt in the incident, police have no proof that OJ Simpson was holding a gun and the victim of the alleged crime wants all charges dropped. This is the worst possible outcome, because it means OJ Simpson can go and write another bloody book about it.
We've never written a hypothetical account of the real-life brutal double murder of someone we used to be married to, but if we did we'd probably go and hide out somewhere safe when it was published to avoid seeing it being discussed on Oprah all the time. And that's more or less what OJ Simpson did on Thursday as his weird murder book If I Did It came out. Except by 'hide out somewhere' we obviously mean 'get arrested for armed robbery in an absurdly high-profile way'.
Apparently, after being tipped off that two sports memorabilia dealers were in Las Vegas selling $75,000 worth of OJ Simpson-based goodies including photos of OJ with J Edgar Hoover, OJ's NFL Hall Of Fame certificate and some family photos, OJ Simpson either met the dealers in the lobby of their hotel and conducted a harmless sting operation to retrieve the stuff that was rightfully his, or burst into their hotel and loudly ordered them at gunpoint to give him his "shit back." A tape of OJ Simpson obtained by TMZ suggests it was the latter, and the police appear to concur – they've arrested OJ Simpson without bail and charged him with two felony counts of robbery with a deadly weapon, two felony counts of assault with a deadly weapon, one felony count of conspiracy to commit burglary and one felony count of burglary with a firearm.
However, as The Boston Globe reports, OJ Simpson isn't so convinced that what he was doing actually counted as 'armed robbery' as such, mainly because he's OJ Simpson:
"I'm O.J. Simpson. How am I going to think that I'm going to rob somebody and get away with it?" he told the Los Angeles Times in a story published yesterday. "You've got to understand, this ain't somebody going to steal somebody's drugs or something like that. This is somebody going to get his private [belongings] back. That's it. That's not robbery."
OJ Simpson also states that no guns were involved with the incident, something slightly at odds with the two handguns the police have recovered so far. But although OJ Simpson looks like he's in more trouble than he's been in since that man wouldn't sell him a steak, it may go no further because one of the dealers involved – Alfred Beardsley – says he wants the charges against OJ Simpson dropped. Whether or not that happens is another issue, as is how the Goldman family will try to swing the arrest into a way of making them some money.
We're sure all the details surrounding OJ Simpson's arrest will come out in the fullness of time, possibly in a ghostwritten book where OJ Simpson somehow confesses his guilt and claims it's all hypothetical at once. Let's just hope that OJ Simpson learns his lessons when he puts If I Did It: The Confusing Armed Robbery Years together and jazzes the whole thing up a bit. Because we know that if we did it, we'd have used a tank, three bazookas and a bucket of Anthrax. That's giving the people what they want, OJ.