You poor Americans. All you want is to pay to go and see some overrated yet troubled British female singers in concert and they keep letting you down – first Lily Allen cancelled her American tour, and now so has Amy Winehouse.
Next month Amy Winehouse was supposed to fly to America to embark on a huge, continent-conquering tour but – thanks to the small matter of her scoffing down enough heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, ketamine and alcohol in one sitting to keep Britain's drug dealers in speedboats for the next decade – Amy Winehouse has decided to reschedule her dates for next year. No doubt this news has left thousands of American Amy Winehouse fans disappointed, but that's only because they haven't realised that they can get the full Amy Winehouse concert experience by paying a 50-year-old male tramp a fat wedge of cash to dress up like the Bride Of Frankenstein and slur 'no no no' 138 times in a row before they fall down and urinate on themselves.
When we have problems in our personal life, we like to bury ourselves in work. However, since problems in our personal life have never included necking so much cocaine, heroin, ketamine, ecstasy and alcohol that we've kickstarted the world's biggest drug overdose, we can't really put ourselves in Amy Winehouse's shoes.
It's incremental, but Amy Winehouse's life has just kept getting worse and worse lately. Although her aggressive woman-punching and idiot-marrying ways seemed fun at first, it wasn't long before Amy Winehouse was having the contents of her stomach forcibly sucked out through a rigid tube that hospital staff had rammed down her throat – and from then on Amy Winehouse has been to rehab and left rehab and been back to rehab like some sort of pitifully directionless bad-haired waif. And if that wasn't tragic enough, Lily Allen made a poor Amy Winehouse joke at a festival the other day.
But if you think having a three-nippled midget making cracks at your expense during family-friendly concerts was as rock-bottom as you can get, think again – because Amy Winehouse has just cancelled all the dates on the American tour that she had lined up for next month. E! Online reports:
"Due to the rigors involved in touring, Amy Winehouse has been advised to postpone her upcoming September U.S. and Canadian tour dates," publicist Tracey Miller said in a statement. "Plans are being made to reschedule her U.S. tour for early 2008. Until then, Amy has been ordered to rest and is working with medical professionals to address her health." The "Rehab" chanteuse was slated to perform at the VMAs in Las Vegas on Sept. 9 (she's up for three awards) and then officially launch her first major North American jaunt Sept. 12 in New York. It's not clear whether she plans on going forward with the VMA gig, but prospects seem iffy.
Amy Winehouse has been on the verge of huge American success for a while now, and to blow it all on a gigantic drug binge just as she looked set to achieve it must be a real kick in the teeth for Amy. And we can only guess at the disappointment that American Amy Winehouse fans must be experiencing at the moment. Seriously, try to imagine having performances like this pulled out from underneath you at the last minute…
It's not just Amy Winehouse who's bailed out on American tours recently, either – Lily Allen also cancelled her US tour last week thanks to visa issues stemming from an assault on a photographer. And, yes America, you're right to be concerned. With both Amy Winehouse and Lily Allen cancelling their tours at the same time, a vacuum of British female singers has been created in America. God help us all if Kate Nash moves in to fill that vacuum. God help us all.