At this point, I think Stephanie Meyer invented the Twilight series as a vehicle to recycle jokes. Ask any person about it, and you\’ll get the same amalgam of sparkles, shirtless werewolves and pale dudes stalking paler girl-things. I'm not saying that I haven't repeated my fair share of Twilight jokes though. However, when you have a series dedicated to shoving as many romance clich?s into a storyline about lame ass vampires as possible, it almost becomes a necessity to battle it back with humor. As regular, non-lame ass, non-romantic, non-vampires, it's our only way to prove that we're winning.
But after Twilight is over? That's a mystery. Will easily misled girls still see midnight premieres? Will un-interesting men still complain about the easily misled girls on Facebook? Despite all the things that we don't know, there are 8 things that I know we will see in the future. Think of this as a strategy guide for the wasteland that America will become after Breaking Dawn: Part 2 comes out. It might be your only hope.
1. Box Sets
This is the most obvious one. Twilight is going to get, by my standards, something along the lines of a cinematic Pandora?s box. But, by box set standards, it's going to be an amazing Blu Ray set. Behind the scenes footage, never before seen deleted stuff, cast interviews and reflections on the franchise. Whoever is putting this thing together is going to try and suck as much money as possible from the potential customers because history has told us that, if people like something enough, they will pay whatever stupid amount you stamp on it in order to get it. To some, the Twilight Ultimate Collection will be a great Christmas gift for any Twilight fan. For the rest of us, it will be like someone tried to make a brick, but their only ingredients were the ?T? titles in a Best Buy section and bad luck.
2. Twilight Sales
Where will all the unsold New Moon shirts go? Or the box sets that only include the first three movies? Or the bracelets from the first film that leave burn marks on your kid?s wrist? Prices on all of these will drop dramatically, until, despite it being a poor choice, people will shill out money for them, simply because it's cheap. Either that or a giant pit is being dug somewhere out in the Nevada desert, with signs saying ?ECLIPSE HANDBAG DUMP SITE ? CONTAMINATED ? DO NOT ENTER? posted around it. There's going to be a lot of gaudy, awful Twilight merchandise out there that is absolutely begging to be put in the back of a person?s closet. And all of it will be 75% off.
3. The Continuation Of Robert Pattinson?s Alright Career
Now I understand that he's not an incredible actor. But he's not the worst one ever either. Calling Robert Pattinson a terrible actor is like calling a spilt pudding cup a tragedy. Yeah, it's not the best, but you\’ll get through it alive. I don't know if Pattinson will ever win any Oscars, but I doubt that anyone will ever hate him for being onscreen. People hate Robert Pattinson, because he's pale and seems to have a good chance of getting laid, which is usually a natural anomaly.
4. Defenders Of Twilight
After any terrible film series is over, there is always a group of people who like to explain about ?Why it wasn?t that bad.? They?ll feed you things such as the series being a guilty pleasure or a gateway to more teenagers reading or, and my personal favorite, how the series could?ve been so much worse. After Breaking Dawn: Part 2, expect a decent number of people to go through the entire story and give us ways that it could?ve sucked harder, as if something can be seen as good just because, in another dimension, it might have had more bad stuff in it.
5. The Twilight Analysis
I'm sure you've all seen books like Star Wars and Philosophy or Mad Men and Philosophy, where people dissect the various themes in a movie or television show and attempt to sort out the meaning behind it and how it relates to the human race. I don't really read these books, as I prefer Boba Fett and Darth Vader as being a bounty hunter and Sith lord, respectively, rather than a statement about human greed and a representation of the rarely seen redemptive nature of evil. Twilight will probably get this type of book too, where people will look deeper into the themes of it and why it was so appealing to fourteen-year-old girls, rather than the obvious, and correct reason of ?When they're fourteen, people like to believe in love and don't quite know what good movies are yet.?
6. Battle For The Young Adult Genre Kingdom
The biggest three Young Adult series in recent history have been Harry Potter, The Hunger Games and Twilight. Harry Potter is a legitimately well-written series, and The Hunger Games is too. Twilight took the English language, put it in a blender and molded what came out into books about Nosferatu cuddling. Many are surprised about the success of Twilight, and marvel as to how so many people can get behind the nonsense. You could spew different theories, having to do with demographics and trends, but I think the blame needs to fall on what scientists usually call ?witches.?
The Young Adult book genre is searching for a new king. The Hunger Games is the last of these three series to have any movies in production, so it will still reign supreme for a while. After that, it's anyone?s game. Will the next series hide under the successful guise of being related to ?the supernatural? like Twilight did or will it be more grounded, and less port-a-potty in its style?
7. The Serious Vampire Backlash
People love to bash Twilight by saying that vampires don't sparkle, or that they don't hang out at high schools and the like. I totally agree with this. I know that, objectively, Dracula would have been ten-times worse, if the Count had scowled near his locker and whispered sweet things into a girl?s ear as they stood around in a forest. But some people will hate it so much that something will be created out of it. Something more than jokes. Actual plots.
Look for a lot of ?This makes Twilight look like (Sesame Street/Mr. Rogers/something children like)!? Critics love to say this about horror films, especially recently, because horror films like to appear as boundary-pushing as possible, and idiots eat it up when older, OBVIOUSLY less-boundary-pushing films are compared to whatever vague, childish reference the director or marketer can come up with, because the idiots feel a sense of satisfaction for being ?hardcore? enough to see the new thing. There are going to be a ton of titles that compare Twilight to Count Chocula or Elmo or Grandma sweaters because, when something makes something look like something dumb, then that first something has got to be something, right!
There's going to be a short wave of gritty vampire movies, all based around the fact that Twilight was a boring affair. It's a pretty stupid reason to make a movie, as well. It's like trying to sleep with a hot girl because you saw people like a girl who you didn't find attractive. It won't be that memorable, and you\’ll wonder why you didn't just do something that you actually liked in the first place.
8. The Continuation Of Kristen Stewart?s Laughable Career
A lot has been said about Kristen Stewart?s acting ability. She delivers lines like she's trying to flirt with a tombstone. If you say her name three times in a mirror, She'll appear and beg to know why you don't think she's talented. She's been method acting as a tree since her career started and no one?s more pissed off about it than trees.
I sincerely doubt that Kristen Stewart has it in her to have a break-through dramatic role. She might surprise us and give the world something that the world doesn't absolutely despise, but in all likelihood, Kristen Stewart?s career won't rise or fall. She'll continue on this stagnant plateau of not talent until people decide that they don't want to give her money anymore. I think She'll be in a few more blockbusters, but that's only because the general public doesn't grasp film economics very well. If a shitty actress is in a movie that makes a lot of money, people will keep putting her in more movies, with the hopes that these new movies will make a lot of money. It doesn't matter that the lead star dresses up every Halloween as a bat without even realizing it. Money talks louder than?.vampire.