The age-old debate over whether Britain or America is better has just ended, and it's a conclusive victory for the USA.
Why? Because who did we have on our celebrity dancing reality TV show? A woman from a band nobody really remembers and a snooker player that looks like a posh walrus, that's who. But America? America has Steve Guttenberg.
It's been announced that Steve Guttenberg off Short Circuit and Police Academy will be one of the celebrities taking part in the new series of Dancing With The Stars. Other contestants include Elvis Presley's wife and that tennis player that got stabbed, but forget those losers. Steve Guttenberg's going to be on Dancing With The Stars! Nnng!
These dancing shows sure are popular. Last year Strictly Come Dancing roundly beat Simon Cowell's X Factor in the ratings, and its American sister Dancing With The Stars became so popular that for a brief time you were legally allowed to punch someone in the face if they couldn't name all three judges immediately.
Shows like Strictly Come Dancing and Dancing With The Stars are so wildly popular for a good few reasons. Firstly, it's fun to watch people learn a skill. Secondly, the shows inject a dose of old-school glamour into an otherwise stale TV schedule. Thirdly it's patently obvious that all the celebrities are doing it with their dance partners, and that's fun to watch.
Similarly, there's a list of reasons as long as your arm why Dancing With The Stars is better than Strictly Come Dancing. Dancing With The Stars has famous Spice Girls in it while Strictly Come Dancing has rubbish ones. Dancing With The Stars has backflipping amputees and collapsing old ladies, while Strictly Come Dancing has neither. But mainly Dancing With The Stars is better because Steve Guttenberg's in it.
The list of celebrity contestants taking part in this year's Dancing With The Stars was named last night during the final of Dance Wars, a show where a troupe of skilled physical artists reenact some of the most harrowing wartime battles of the 19th and 20th centuries. But who are these new Dancing With The Stars hopefuls? Let's find out…
Adam Carolla – DJ who might be a bit racist. Also the voice of a minor character in the Buzz Lightyear spin-off TV show. Soon to star in a movie he wrote called The Hammer, which consists of nothing but one shot of a stationary hammer on a table in close up. It's basically Bicentennial Man, but about an inert hammer.
Cristián de la Fuente – An actor from Chile who sometimes stars in Ugly Betty to fund his hobby of burning down anthills with magnifying glasses on sunny days. He is apparently one of the 50 most beautiful people on earth, a title he shares with Brad Pitt, two of the Nolan Sisters, your own mother and the Tuscan municipality of Sovicille.
Shannon Elizabeth – You masturbated over her a decade ago. Oh you bloody liar, you did.
Steve Guttenberg – Although he's the star of mega-hits like Short Circuit, Three Men And A Baby, Three Men And A Little Lady, Cocoon, Cocoon 2, Police Academy, Police Academy 2, Police Academy 3 and Police Academy 4, Steve Guttenberg is perhaps best known for his charity The Guttenhouse Project, where he selects a number of poverty-stricken children in foster care each year and pays for them to live in boxes and act as his tiny malnourished slaves.
Marlee Matlin – Oscar-winning deaf actress. You might think that being deaf would restrict Marlee's ability to dance properly, but let's not forget that one of her opponents is Steve Guttenberg, so we're guessing she'll come second-last at worst.
Priscilla Presley – Wife of Elvis Presley, mother of Lisa Marie Presley, cousin of Canadian bobsledder Gerald Presley, grandmother of porn star Jenna Presley and uncle of famed New Zealand businesswoman Annette Presley. And that is all.
Penn Jillette – Mouthy magician. Probably most famous for either being on Sabrina The Teenage Witch sometimes or his genuinely dreadful haircut.
Monica Seles – Stabbed tennis player. Has spent every day since since 1993 prowling the streets for vengeance like Jodie Foster in that film The Brave One. Ironically she's done this dressed as Jodie Foster in that film Bugsy Malone.
Jason Taylor – Either an American footballer, a rugby player, an Australian football player or an English footballer player. We really can't be bothered to find out.
Marissa Jaret Winokur – A woman most famous for being in the Broadway production of Hairspray. On the plus side, the physically of her background will set her in good stead for Dancing With The Stars; on the other hand, nobody knows who the fuck she is so she probably won't last long.
Kristi Yamaguchi – A woman who was good at ice skating 17 years ago, Kristi has gone to do literally nothing with her life. Nothing. She can barely even get out of bed most days, and has swollen up to the size of an angry car.
Mario – Computerised Italian plumber.
Read more:
ABC announces 'Dancing with the Stars' contestants – Monsters And Critics
kippertron says
Funny stuff. Guttenberg ROOLZ
Mary says
I thought Steve did a fairly good job ,not smooth yet but i can see him going pretty far Mario is better .It is only the first week . YUPPIES