Poor old Mel B. She's always the bridesmaid, never the bride, and that has to sting – especially when the bride is a South American bloke who drives cars for a living.
Actually that's not strictly true – with her relationship history, Mel B has been the bride quite a lot actually – but as far as Dancing With The Stars goes, Mel B is definitely the bridesmaid. Last night saw the final of this year's Dancing With The Stars, and long-time favourite Mel B was just pipped to the post by Brazilian racing driver Helio Castroneves. And if Helio Castroneves is the bride of Dancing With The Stars and Mel B is the bridesmaid, that makes third-place Marie Osmond a Dancing With The Stars usher or something. Or a flower girl. Or the woman who plays the church organ in an amusingly bad way. Look, we don't know, OK?
Individually the Spice Girls have all tried to crack America in different ways. Victoria Beckham was given her own TV show, while Geri Halliwell was allowed ten seconds on a Sex And The City episode to prove why she is the worst actress that has ever been. Meanwhile Sporty Spice and Emma Bunton, well, we hear one of them went to the Epcot Centre once. That counts.
But it's Scary Spice Mel B who's made the biggest impression on America as a solo star thanks to her wonderful triple-threat ability to let Eddie Murphy knock her up, get married to a man who knocks people about and not get knocked out of a televised dancing competition when she really should be practising for the imminent Spice Girls comeback tour.
Because while the other Spice Girls have been busy preparing for their reunion by affiliating themselves with bra shops, appearing in adverts for supermarkets while being clearly unable to talk properly and releasing woefully unsuccessful comeback charity singles, Mel B has been appearing on Dancing With The Stars, the American Strictly Come Dancing.
And doing fairly well at it, too, because last night saw the Dancing With The Stars final take place, with three remaining dancers scrapping it out for the crown. Mel B faced off against the mighty Helio Castroneves, who we don't know, and Marie Osmond, who we only know because she might have tried to kill herself once and her son's in rehab and her daughters are famous MySpace slags. And because she fell over once.
However, after Marie Osmond was booted early on during Dancing With The Stars, it was a one-on-one tussle between Mel B and this Helio chap to see who could waggle themselves around in a sparkly skin-tight costume the most convincingly. And Mel B only had success in her sights, as she said early on in the show:
"To be embraced by America, would be… I would actually be speechless. Me and Maks have come so far. We are not prepared to throw it all away. We have to win it for all those people that have been voting for us. I've had so much fun, everyone's so cool here. It's been an amazing journey. Coming in second or third is not an option for me. I like to start something and finish it right on top."
But although coming second might not have been an option for Mel B, it's what happened. Helio Castroneves either danced better or had a bigger fanbase than Mel B, because he ultimately emerged as the Dancing With The Stars champion, even though we still don't especially know who he is.
Mel B has never been one to dwell on bad news, though – as proved by her ridiculous addiction to ill-advised shotgun marriages – and we're sure she'll soon see the positives in her Dancing With The Stars silver medal. For instance, Mel B can now hold her head up high and say that she's officially a better dancer than an Osmond, Dr Quinn Medicine Woman and that old singing man with the dodgy ticker. Mighty praise indeed.
Plus if could mean that Mel B gets even a fractionally larger cheer than Geri Halliwell when she steps out on stage with the Spice Girls in Vancouver on Sunday. And we sort of get the impression that Mel B would have kicked a puppy to death onstage if it meant people liked her more than Geri.
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tony says
mel b was great a great dancer and great looking girl she should have won.