Well, then there’s always the Marilyn Monroe sex tape. You heard – there’s a Marilyn Monroe sex tape. A tape of Marilyn Monroe gobbling on a man’s penis for 15 minutes. It really exists, but don’t get too excited.
A private collector has just bought the Marilyn Monroe sex tape for $1.5 million, and he’s sworn to keep it from the public in order to protect the dignity of Marilyn Monroe. Well, that and to masturbate himself scabby over the Marilyn Monroe sex tape 12 times a day for the rest of his life knowing that he’s the only one alive who knows what Marilyn Monroe looks like when she does blowjobs.
That’s it – this is the end of the world. We believe it was Nostradamus who said ‘all will be well when Lindsay Lohan copies Marilyn Monroe, but when Marilyn Monroe copies Lindsay Lohan we’re all fucked.’
And that, friends, is exactly what’s happened. Just a couple of weeks after the Lindsay Lohan sex tape leaked, Marilyn Monroe has got in on the act as well. Never mind that she’s been dead for 46 years – if you want to see Marilyn Monroe shove a bloke’s penis into her mouth and keep it there for 15 minutes, the Marilyn Monroe sex tape means you can.
Except you can’t. Everyone knows that a Marilyn Monroe sex tape would be the holy grail of celebrity sex tapes. More than that, in fact – since the discovery of the Marilyn Monroe sex tape, the holy grail has been papally downgraded to ‘the Marilyn Monroe sex tape of grails’ – but because of this, the man who yesterday bought the Marilyn Monroe sex tape has promised to keep it private forever, as Reuters reports:
A 15-minute film of Marilyn Monroe engaging in oral sex with an unidentified man will be kept from public view by a New York businessman, who has bought it for $1.5 million, the broker of the deal said on Monday. Memorabilia collector Keya Morgan said he recently arranged the sale of the silent, black-and-white film from the son of a dead FBI informant who possessed it to a wealthy Manhattan businessman who wants to protect Monroe’s privacy. “The gentleman who bought it said out respect for Marilyn he’s not going to make a joke of it and put it on the Internet and try to exploit her.”
A good thing too, because who really wants to see one of the most iconic women of all time giving a blowjob to a man on film? Oh that’s right – everyone. Everyone wants to see Marilyn Monroe debase her own mouth in a sex tape, and if anyone says they don’t they’re lying.
But it looks like it’ll never happen now. Not until he dies and his heirs flog the video to the first website to turn up with a chequebook, anyway. Only then will be able to see a creepy dead woman silently fellate a man, and it can’t come a day too soon.
Of course, the real tragedy is that Marilyn Monroe died before this sex tape got out. Then the possibilities would have been endless. Maybe Marilyn Monroe would have been able to star in her own E! reality TV show just like Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson and Kim Kardashian, who are all equally good at filming themselves having sex. But, alas, she died before she could sell out her own life for a tawdry meaningless faux-documentary series. We don’t think we’ll ever be able to cope with that.
On the plus side, though, the existence of a Marilyn Monroe sex tape will be great news for Elton John, because it means he can bash out another lazy rewrite of Candle In The Wind to commemorate it. We’ll start it off for him: “It seems to me, you lived your life like a candle in the wind/ and by candle I obviously mean penis and by wind I mean some bloke’s gob/ you dirty, great cow.”