Album covers are very important for musicians. Sometimes, they let us know what a band looks like or what the mood of the album will be. Sometimes they let us know how hip the artist is, and how many times they can reference arthouse films before someone fucks their girlfriend. Sometimes, they look like someone told their four-year-old cousin to learn Photoshop, and fast. And sometimes, they make YOU look stupid for buying them.
The following are seven albums that you should probably just torrent from the safety of your own home. Buying these in public is placing a ?Kick Me? sign on the side of your head. Owning these aesthetic atrocities in the number one reason your kid is getting bullied. Sorry, insecurities.
John Mayer: Heavier Things
Okay, websites. I can understand that John Mayer is a talented musician. If he wasn?t, then my neighbor?s wife would have been home hours ago. John Mayer sings in the key of orgasm, and his vocals are so soothing that you have to tiptoe past any girl listening to him because shhhhh, her vagina is asleep.
But this album cover is a perfect representation of what not to do with a John Mayer album cover. Rather than have him doing regular John Mayer stuff, like promising a complicated but intense relationship or whatever the song ?Daughters? was about, he's just kind of standing there. This would be fine if it was a candid shot of John at the DMV or John in line at a Wendy?s, but an album cover needs to represent what's inside the case, not show the singer in the middle of a caveman transformation as he wonders if the studio bathroom is unlocked.
Tokio Hotel: SCREAM
I hate to sound like Todd Akin, but I don't know the gender of anyone on this cover. I imagine that the ones on the far left and far right are boys, because I get the least amount of boners from viewing them, but the middle two look like they?d confuse even the most observant of traditional Eastern families looking to kill the lesser first born.
The one on the center left has hair that makes it seem like she scalped Rob Zombie and is still unsure about the proper placement of the dreadlocks. The one on the center right looks like a Dragon Ball Z cosplayer doing a Godzilla impression, which his body reacts to by building enough estrogen to make his belt a good idea.
I don't know who listens to Tokio Hotel, but I imagine even the bravest eighth grade girl would feel intense shame purchasing ?SCREAM.? If I was a cashier, checking a person out with this in their cart, I'd hide it, for their sake. If you took this into a Hot Topic, the manager would call it bad for business.? ?SCREAM? is the only album that can be bought in the dildo section of an adult store, and every dildo around it will blush.
Fiona Apple: Tidal
I've never listened to a Fiona Apple song in my life. At first, I thought she was the girl who did the theme from Titanic, but I then realized that was one of Cher?s cousins. Is she a real person? Considering that this is the internet, I don't have to know anything about her to form an opinion. So, Fiona Apple, I hate your music.
I don't know what inspired man?s infatuation with porcelain skinned girl dolls. Growing up, I was under the assumption that tan women were hotter, but everyone has different tastes, even if that taste is for sunlight deprivation. This might be just makeup on Fiona Apple, but then again, I know nothing about her/how often she has to carry an umbrella. It wouldn't hurt though, if her picture didn't look like baby?s first Instagram. This looks like the first photo of the shoot, before an intern accidently left a window open and Fiona burst into flame. She has hypnotizing eyes though.
Wait. Pale? Hypnotizing eyes? Someone rearrange the letters in FIONA APPLE. Do you get DRACULA?
Madonna: Music
No one knows how old Madonna really is. If you chopped off her head, you might be able to count the rings in her Hydra shaped spine until you could make a rough estimate, but there are cave paintings that depict her trying to mount an Allosaur, armed with nothing but a pink body suit.
I might have been breaking some sort of social code, but the only time I asked Madonna what her age was, was the last time that I went in public. If you can recommend the name of a good facial reconstructive surgeon who handles assaults by celebrities, please tell me.
Regardless of her age, she should be wise enough to not let this kind of thing happen to her. Madonna appears to be dressed in some kind of Western outfit, with a cowboy hat tilted at the right angle to let us know that the closest she's ever been to a rodeo is that Allosaur incident I mentioned earlier. Her expression isn't sultry or inviting. She looks like someone drugged her drink and she's woken up just enough to realize that these aren't her boots. Plus, the album title is ?Music? which is exactly what a drugged Madonna would answer if you asked her to name her next album.
Phil Collins: Dance Into The Light
I've never met a person who claimed to be a Phil Collins fan. I've met people who are fans of Genesis, but the words ?Oh yeah, the guy who did the Tarzan soundtrack? LOVE that guy? have never been breathed into the air. I'll continue my search, though, and if I catch a woman singing ?Sussudio? to herself when she thinks no one is looking, I'll start singing ?In The Air Tonight? and natural selection will drive us together to create a stronger tomorrow.
There's no better way to hook listeners than to photograph a singer halfway through his fall to the ground. Phil Collins is about to sue someone for the wet floors encountered while dancing into the night. The look on his face is neutral, probably because the image has been tampered with. In the original photo, his expression was one of pure horror as the ground rushed up to break his nose.
Don't question why his blue jacket flows so effortlessly in the wind. When you're Phil Collins, gravity doesn't apply to your clothing. Hell, for Phil, clothing doesn't apply to his clothing. When he starts up ?Another Day In Paradise,? all anyone can focus on his the fact that he looks suspiciously like Randy Quaid, if Randy was more in touch with his emotions.
Avril Lavigne: Let Go
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger have decided to tie the knot. I'm apologize for spoiling the plot of Rosemary?s Baby just now. Sorry, I had to get that one out of the way. I'm actually excited for the union. It'll provide the first scientific evidence of a snake giving a live birth, and Kroeger will probably burst into ?Rockstar? before he cuts the umbilical cord and is devoured by his own young.
?Let Go? is the deepest album cover on this list for a few reasons. We see Avril, dressed like someone kicked her out of Insane Clown Posse for not being preppy enough, with her arms crossed, staring off at into the distance. We don't know why she's not looking at the camera like a normal human being, but this is deep ass Avril Lavigne we're talking about. Brittany Spears looks at the camera. Avril is too busy pondering the meaning of life or sk8r boiz to be bothered with convention.
The next reason is the background, full of people who know family and comfort and love. But they're blurred out, because Avril just doesn't fit in with them. I mean, look at that outfit! It's crazy! She'd go into a job interview and they?d be all like ?I just don't think you're right for this position. You're just too?weird,? and she'd be like ?I'll show you weird. SKRREEEEEEWWOOOOMMMMMPPPP! SKREEEEEEEWWOOOOMMMMMMPPPP! I?M A FIRE ALARM.?
Limp Bizkit: Results May Vary
Some people might cry foul at the fact that Limp Bizkit isn't really a pop band. To that I ask them this: what genre is Limp Bizkit?
Can you really classify such lyrics as ?It's time to get busy/one two thrizzy/SHUT THE FUCK UP??
Those words sound like they came from a community college course on telling your child that you're about to get into a very nasty divorce. Limp Bizkit is the mood music you play when you let your partner know that she needs to leave the torture chamber before something naked and embarrassing happens.
There's nothing more hardcore than this album cover, though. An unidentifiable man screaming faintly into the green beyond? Bring out the fake blood and mosh pits. I punched my computer screen from just having the image in my tabs for too long.? I could put this on the side of a bus and every car within fifty feet would have to choose between Autobot and Decepticon. Is there anything heavier than this album cover? I'd ask, but Lucifer gets jealous too easily.
I don't think I can get anymore sarcastic than that last paragraph, but I can try. ROMNEY 2012.
Blake says
EUGH YOU GUYS ARE SO BIASED AGAINST BAD MUSIC JEEZ
Scott says
Yo, I like Phil Collins. Ignore my dick and we are clearly soulmates.
Iren says
Hmm, mr. Dockery, I think that you’re just jealous of these famous people. But this is not a reason to pour dirt on their music. Who are you to allow yourself to do such things? Do you consider yourself much cool? Perhaps, on the other side of the screen, you’re – superman, but in life – a worthless piece of shit.
P.S. If you offend Tokio Hotel, I’ll chop you on mincemeat xD
Jade says
The writing skills of this article seems to be that of one with low scholastic aptitude.