Literally the only thing that every single human being on the planet cares about is what Suri Cruise – the daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes – looks like. Honestly, all that other stuff is just background noise compared to Suri.
So far, all we've managed to placate our furious Suri Cruise hunger with has been second-hand reports by actresses that have mostly been in films we don't like very much. But now it looks like we're going to get the Holy Grail: Tom Cruise has personally promised that a picture of Suri Cruise will be doing the rounds "shortly." Whew! Thank goodness that there's been at least some amount of preparation handed to us – if we saw a picture of Suri Cruise without warning, we'd all probably keel over and die. Or at least we would if we weren't so certain that Suri Cruise looks exactly the same as every other pissing baby that's ever been born.
Tom Cruise is a clever man, isn't he? Everyone thought he missed the boat a bit a few months ago by letting Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt race ahead of Suri Cruise in the popularity stakes, allowing Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to sell pictures of Shiloh Nouvel and get Shiloh Nouvel carved into a waxwork, but it turns out that Tom Cruise was sitting back, biding his time and hatching his masterplan.
Of course, any old fame-hungry muppet can sell pictures of their baby right after it's been born – just look at Geri Halliwell – but it takes a real megastar to keep the world waiting to see a picture of their baby for four whole months. And that's what Tom Cruise has done. Sure, he may have eaten Suri's placenta and described her 'indescribable' birth, but that's been it. No picture deals, no baby clothing lines, nothing.
In fact, all this Suri Cruise-withholding meant that many people thought that Suri didn't exist and that it was all an invention from the sick brain of Tom Cruise. And then the Suri Cruise sightings started. First was that raspy woman from King Of Queens, but nobody really knows who she is, so the sighting went mostly ignored. Then Jada Pinkett Smith claimed she'd met Suri Cruise, but the world still needed convincing. Finally, Penelope Cruz claimed a Suri sighting – and she's supposedly slept with Tom Cruise and everything.
And now the final piece of the puzzle is apparently ready to be slipped into place – according to reports, Tom Cruise is ready to release a picture of Suri Cruise to the public. Responding to claims that Tom Cruise is being reluctant to let the world see his daughter, Cruise slave Arnold Robinson told The Scoop:
"He hasn't been reluctant. They will be making a decision to release the photographs [of Suri] shortly."
That's it. "Shortly." No times, no date. And that's why we'll only believe we've seen a picture of Suri Cruise if she's holding a copy of today's newspaper in the photos.
[story by Stuart Heritage]