As the most famous woman in all of history Kelly Brook often gets what she wants, whether it's the stars rearranged in the sky or an actor boyfriend who's managed to make 26 awful movies in a row since he was in Titanic briefly.
But that's not enough – now Kelly Brook has demanded that her fans should be able to smell exactly like her, too. That's why Kelly Brook, fresh from her giddy career height of dancing around a stage once a week alongside a retired snooker player and a woman who used to be on EastEnders, has decided to start selling her own perfume entitled Kelly Brook. Now, knowing that Christmas is just around the corner, Kelly Brook has swung her Kelly Brook perfume production machine into full swing – and to make sure that demand doesn't outstrip supply, it's thought that Kelly Brook has made up to three small bottles of the stuff.
Celebrity perfumes honestly bewilder us. Seriously, if someone gave you the choice of wearing a scent that was laboured over for months by a team of world-class perfumers responsible for some of the most iconic fragrances of our time or squirting yourself in the face with something David Beckham invented, you'd pick the former. But that's only because you're clever people – there are millions of clueless honking numbskulls around who'd think "I lyke Dayvid Bekkam" and shell out for a bottle of Piss or Jizz or whatever his perfume's called. And it's not just David Beckham – Paris Hilton and Britney Spears have perfumes, Mariah Carey has a perfume, Diddy has a perfume, J-Lo has a perfume. Even Sarah Jessica Parker has a perfume preposterously called Lovely, when everyone knows it should be called I Have A Face Like A Clay Sculpture Of A Witch's Thumb.
But, and here's the key, you'll notice that all the names mentioned above are actually famous, whether it's for sporting achievements, acting, singing or shagging blokes on the internet. And now Kelly Brook has brought out a perfume line, too. The only problem is, of course, that we've drunk milk more famous than Kelly Brook. Still, Kelly's buggered if not being very famous at all is going to stop her conquering the celebrity perfume market. Sky reports:
It's no secret that Kelly Brook has the whiff of success about her. And now that's more the case than ever. The Strictly Come Dancing fave has become the latest star to launch her very own perfume. And we can tell she's v busy brushing up on her dance moves, because she's clearly had no time left to think up a catchy moniker for her scent. It's called – wait for it – Kelly Brook. Hmm, it's growing on us… Kelly's smelly is described as "sexy, fruity and enticing" and costs £17.95 for 25ml.
Perfect for anyone who's ever thought "I wish I could smell just like an actress whose most notable role was a cameo as a painting in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo," the Kelly Brook perfume is expected to fly off the shelves, but only after people discover that it keeps rats out the house if they squirt it around their kitchen enough.
But, hey, maybe we're jumping on Kelly Brook for jumping on an opportunistic, already-overloaded market a little prematurely here. After all, if enough people decide that they want to buy a perfume named after a woman who was sacked from a breakfast TV show for not being able to pronounce words properly, then hosted the world's worst reality TV show and now looks set to be the third-place runner up on a BBC teatime show about dancing, then maybe Kelly Brook will earn so much money that she'll stop making useless films that nobody wants to see.
Now, if we can just convince Billy Zane to make a perfume as well…