Are you a Robert Pattinson fan? You are? Well good for you. Do you realise that you made Robert Pattinson?
You did. Without hysterical fans like you, Robert Pattinson wouldn’t be one of the most desired men on the planet. He certainly wouldn’t be anywhere near as rich as he is. And he wouldn’t run out into the street and get hit by a taxi because he was terrified of the crowd of mad-eyed salivating teenage girls screaming his name like they were from a confusingly tweeny remake of Dawn Of The Dead.
Because that happened yesterday. Good work, fans!
Oh dear. Poor old Robert Pattinson isn’t having a very good week, is he? First he discovered that he wasn’t the most eligible bachelor on the UK, then he discovered that he wasn’t even the hottest bachelor of the summer, and now he’s discovered that taxis are quite hard and probably hurt quite a lot when they run you over.
That’s right – Robert Pattinson got hit by a taxi in New York yesterday. What could have caused such a terrible accident? Did the taxi driver do it deliberately in an ultimately futile attempt to stop the forthcoming remakes of the remaining Twilight books? Or was it the media, who somehow did it all with mind-control because it’s so like, you know, evil and stuff? Yeah, it was probably the media. Bad media. We hate the media.
Actually, no. Turns out that it was all the work of some crazed Robert Pattinson fans. We don’t know what’s more shocking – the fact that people who ostensibly like Robert Pattinson would let him get hit by a taxi, or the fact that the following report by Reuters doesn’t include the phrase ‘skidding around wildly in a puddle of their loose urine’:
Pattinson was clipped on the hip in front a bookstore in Manhattan where he was shooting scenes on Thursday for his new film. Flanked by five security guards, the British actor tried to run past a group of teenage girls and cross the street to his trailer when the accident happened. He was not seriously injured, but one of the bodyguards yelled at the girls: “You see what you did, you almost killed him!”
Luckily, despite appearing to be made of a random jumble of porcelain shards and animal pubes, Robert Pattinson wasn’t hurt in the collision. At least not yet. Because we can’t help feeling that this accident will set a dangerous precedent – it’s no longer enough for Robert Pattinson fans to simply experiment with what their signature will look like after they’ve married him, or to cut a hole in a New Moon poster so that they can properly kiss his likeness with tongues. Now the only way they can truly express their love for Robert Pattinson is to see how badly they can injure him.
Sure, it’s just minor accident with a taxi for now, but that’s how this sort of thing starts. Next thing you know a bunch of hysterical, boggle-eyed teenage fans will be filling his dressing room with scorpions or opportunistically swinging at his ankles with a mallet or studying hard to qualify as a cross-channel ferry captain on the off-chance that Robert Pattinson will eventually need to travel from Dover to Calais on a day when the Channel Tunnel isn’t working so that they can deliberately crash the boat into the side of an oil tanker to demonstrate their total adoration of him.
Honestly, you Robert Pattinson fans make us sick.