Are you a Robert Pattinson fan? You are? Well good for you. Do you realise that you made Robert Pattinson?
You did. Without hysterical fans like you, Robert Pattinson wouldn’t be one of the most desired men on the planet. He certainly wouldn’t be anywhere near as rich as he is. And he wouldn’t run out into the street and get hit by a taxi because he was terrified of the crowd of mad-eyed salivating teenage girls screaming his name like they were from a confusingly tweeny remake of Dawn Of The Dead.
Because that happened yesterday. Good work, fans!
Oh dear. Poor old Robert Pattinson isn’t having a very good week, is he? First he discovered that he wasn’t the most eligible bachelor on the UK, then he discovered that he wasn’t even the hottest bachelor of the summer, and now he’s discovered that taxis are quite hard and probably hurt quite a lot when they run you over.
That’s right – Robert Pattinson got hit by a taxi in New York yesterday. What could have caused such a terrible accident? Did the taxi driver do it deliberately in an ultimately futile attempt to stop the forthcoming remakes of the remaining Twilight books? Or was it the media, who somehow did it all with mind-control because it’s so like, you know, evil and stuff? Yeah, it was probably the media. Bad media. We hate the media.
Actually, no. Turns out that it was all the work of some crazed Robert Pattinson fans. We don’t know what’s more shocking – the fact that people who ostensibly like Robert Pattinson would let him get hit by a taxi, or the fact that the following report by Reuters doesn’t include the phrase ‘skidding around wildly in a puddle of their loose urine’:
Pattinson was clipped on the hip in front a bookstore in Manhattan where he was shooting scenes on Thursday for his new film. Flanked by five security guards, the British actor tried to run past a group of teenage girls and cross the street to his trailer when the accident happened. He was not seriously injured, but one of the bodyguards yelled at the girls: “You see what you did, you almost killed him!”
Luckily, despite appearing to be made of a random jumble of porcelain shards and animal pubes, Robert Pattinson wasn’t hurt in the collision. At least not yet. Because we can’t help feeling that this accident will set a dangerous precedent – it’s no longer enough for Robert Pattinson fans to simply experiment with what their signature will look like after they’ve married him, or to cut a hole in a New Moon poster so that they can properly kiss his likeness with tongues. Now the only way they can truly express their love for Robert Pattinson is to see how badly they can injure him.
Sure, it’s just minor accident with a taxi for now, but that’s how this sort of thing starts. Next thing you know a bunch of hysterical, boggle-eyed teenage fans will be filling his dressing room with scorpions or opportunistically swinging at his ankles with a mallet or studying hard to qualify as a cross-channel ferry captain on the off-chance that Robert Pattinson will eventually need to travel from Dover to Calais on a day when the Channel Tunnel isn’t working so that they can deliberately crash the boat into the side of an oil tanker to demonstrate their total adoration of him.
Honestly, you Robert Pattinson fans make us sick.
You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!
just a brit gal says
Once again had a chuckle reading this..no doubt there will be some of the usual dribbles exclaiming “dont say that about MY Rob” blah blah…but i absolutely agree with what ur saying.It may be a little exaggerated (hopefully!) Imagine if his fans were waking up to an entirely different story “death due to chase”( or chace?… *groans* that was poor i know :P)
Anyway,thankfully the guy wasnt hurt THIS TIME!but what about next time? *shrugs* I know there will be the “fans” who will ramble on about how his fans made him,how he cant start shunning them now etc etc…well ur damn right he can when it comes to health! (physical AND mental)
Acting is his job,how he earns a living..now imagine ur really good at ur job say..a doctor,nurse or cashier whatever..and in ur place of work ur clients/patients think that u are without a doubt THE best,the mutz nutz even…does that mean that they have a first class ticket to manhandle you should they happen to see u outside?
Im pretty sure Berto has appreciated every single person that calls themselves a fan of his,appreciates being supported as an actor,musician..but even he must be pissed off to an extent now(though is likely too polite and not wanting to be taken out of context to say so..which…is equally vile i must add..words being mixed to suit the reporter i mean)
Anyhoo..on that note…just incase that first class ticket mentioned above IS the thing these days…there is a rather lush young doctor just joined our surgery so erm…im gonna go see how he smells today,what he’s having for lunch..what colour his socks are today…y’know..just the essentials!lol :P
Julias says
Oh, Stuart Heritage, you have such a crush on Bobby Pattinson. You’re concerned about him, it shows…
Man, I don’t want sound mean or anything, but wouldn’t it have been kind of wonderful if that taxi had, well, not killed him, but at least injured him to some extent?
On second thoughts, no, it would have been awful. We would never hear the freaking end of it…
shugo says
It was twilight fans that almost killed him you mean. not the people who admire his work, but the people who loved him becuase he was Edward Cullen. His name was only world reknown becuase of twilight. Don’t blame the fans of how he despises twilight, but those who admire him as Edward
tigermom89 says
I think that Robert Pattinson is a great actor, I feel Sorry for him, He just wants to act,cause thats what he loves to do, People need to leave him alone. Let him have a life… I sure hope he is Ok.
I can’t wait to see his next Movie… Tigermom89
Karen says
robert got almost killed I feel so bad for him even though i wasnt even there I feel so terrible.But I hope he can forgive his fans and not get totally mad I really hope he gets better and wish him the best.Like probably all fans of robert pattinson do.
Iona says
poor rob :(
i love him to bits but i wouldn’t go as far and chasing him down the road while he’s working. i don’t think i could have lived if those “fans” had killed him x
stupid people ;/ >:(
Emma and Alexis says
Emma
When I read this I couldn’t belive it. I will hunt down the taxi driver and break his neck. I am soooo sorry Robert Pattinson. I feel guilty even though I didn’t do anything. Maybe it’s bacause I am one of your fans. My email is [email protected]
Alexis
I will choke the taxi driver then take his wallet.I am also sooooo sorry. My email is [email protected]
Bella says
WOW! that was not mean! why do people ALWAYS make fun of Rob! he is an awesome actor and people r just gelious.
Nans says
Ok, I am a HUGE fan of Roberts but I have to say this had to be the funniest thing I have read all day. It is tragic that a bunch of little brats and unfortunately women MY age (very old) have to act like fools and chase him down, for what reason? Who knows. It’s not like he is going to profess his love to them, god just leave him alone. He is working and whether we made him a star or not that doesn’t give anyone the right to hunt him like we are out hunting our next meal to devour. This guy DOES deserve some kind of life even if he chose a profession that puts him in the public eye and he definitely deserves to be safe from a bunch of freaks that put his life in danger. Unfortunately, we all know that this will not stop because whoever here said it is because he IS Edward Cullen to them is right. They have no interest in his other work, I mean they SAY they do all because they want to show their undying love, but what 13 year old is going to go and see Little Ashes and really get the whole concept or understand what kind of effort Rob put into that role, hell they probably had no clue who Dali was. I wouldn’t be surpirised if Rob turns into a recluse eventually given his already self admitted paranoia and other issues, this has to just be too much and if it gets worse I can only imagine it will push him over the edge.
chelle says
Don’t know if anyone else is concerned or has even noticed that Rob is on the fast track to loose his mind. I am terrified for him. He’s not built for this amount of fame. He’s so scared and freaked out, I’m afraid he’ll get hurt or worse. He keeps saying he doesn’t want a relationship because he doesn’t want to bring this craziness on them, but i think he needs someone to keep him grounded and sane. I just wish he gets through this unharmed and get back into his music where he can be himself and hopefully be left alone. CRAZED FANS JUST LEAVE HIM BE SO WE DON”T HAVE TO LOOSE AN EXCEPTIONAL PERSON!
tina says
emma and alexis.. umm wow. ok. u guys are weird.
Julias says
If I found that taxi driver I would shoot him in the head, steal his shoes, paint his toenails and throw him in a ditch. That should show him.
bolly says
you are all very scary. fans of anything that are as intense as you guys are dangerous. any of them notice that this guy is scared of them. he almost killed himself running away from them. scary.
Miss Practical says
First & foremost Robert Pattinson is an actor.
An actor is a job. There are all sorts of rules about treatment & protection of people whilst going about their profession. Accountants don’t get mobbed, neither do Doctors, Bus Drivers, Pilots or policemen although some of them are every bit as handsome as Robert if not more so!
Secondly, you can’t blame the taxi driver! Was he expecting someone to run out in front of him, i’m sure not!
Thirdly, blame the insensed people that call themselves fans. If they were true fans they would respect that this man needs privacy & has a right to his own space! He knows that he now has a cult following, but does that following have the right to encroach on his life. I think NOT!
Lastly, one role does NOT maketh the actor! Sure he’s young, good looking, sexy etc etc & I for one can’t think of any other actor that could have played Edward Cullen better & match up to the images I drew in my head whilst reading the books.
But you people need to look beyond Twilight & give this man chance to become a legend. You keep treating him the way you do how long do you think it will be before he burns out?
For goodness sake give him space I’d like to see him around for a few years yet & hopefully one day he’ll rank up along the all time greats………….
jennifer says
i love u robert pattison
Dainty says
That’s them teenage squealers for ya.
Good-for-nothing-fuck-me-please die hard squealers.
I wish that taxi had crushed him to pieces, so that they’d learn. Just learn.
Oh, wait, that’d be useless. Because then they’d only rush to rape the helpless Robby.