Imagine if Tinky Winky one day looked around him, saw Laa-Laa idly flicking some Tubby Tustard around the Tubbytronic Superdome and Dipsy torturing Noo-Noo the sentient hoover, stood up and said "Screw you bell-ends, I'm going solo."
Well, that's what has kind of happened with The Wiggles. The Wiggles are like Australia's version of The Teletubbies, except that they're actual men instead of freakish colourful monsters and they're richer than just about anyone you care to think of. Anyway, yesterday Yellow Wiggle – Greg Page – dramatically quit The Wiggles, though not because of creative differences. In fact Greg Page quit The Wiggles because he suffers from orthostatic intolerance, a rare disorder that leaves him constantly fatigued and liable to collapse without warning, which ironically tends to be Purple Wiggle's schtick.
It's always difficult to regain confidence and popularity after one member leaves a band. Take That floundered when Robbie quit, The Spice Girls died soon after Geri left, The Darkness will struggle without their rat-faced singer and we'd be sure that Duran Duran would have run into trouble when their guitarist quit if anyone gave even half a fart about Duran Duran any more.
But Yellow Wiggle leaving The Wiggles… that's big news. You may not be entirely au fait with the canon of work that The Wiggles have produced over the course of their career, but we're certain that every child you know is. Last year a report stated that The Wiggles are Australia's biggest entertainment stars, making more money in a year than AC/DC and Nicole Kidman combined. And they've done it by singing songs like Do The Monkey and releasing videos called Hoop-De-Doo! It's A Wiggles Party and Splash Splash Big Red Boat.
But all is not well in the world of The Wiggles; Yellow Wiggle Greg Page yesterday quit The Wiggles because he suffers from a disease that Purple Wiggle Jeff Fatt has made his fortune mocking – orthostatic intolerance – which makes him collapse without warning and generally feel exhausted a lot. Reuters reports:
Greg Page, the magician and Yellow Wiggle in the popular fluorescent-skivvied foursome, suffers from orthostatic intolerance, a disorder which stops his heart from pumping enough blood while standing or dancing. "I'll miss being a part of The Wiggles very much, but it's the right decision because it will allow me to focus on managing my health," Page, 34, told reporters from Perth, where the group is on tour. He had been with the group since its 1990 debut.
There's no doubt that The Wiggles will battle on without Greg Page – they make so much money from basically singing songs about different kinds of fruit that it'd be insane not to – but it'll be an uphill struggle. Not least, The Wiggles will have to face a likely leadership challenge from Dorothy the 5-year-old flower-eating dinosaur and previously-friendly pirate Captain Feathersword, who have both long felt undermined by The Wiggles' staunch refusal to let them perform their co-authored song Fuck Me, Look At That Bumblebee! on tour.
However, The Wiggles will need to replace Greg Page as quickly as possible as he was both the singer and magician in The Wiggles. No doubt there'll be a long line of applicants ready to hop into the Yellow Wiggle sweater, but The Wiggles will need a professional to keep their level of earnings as high as before. Paul Daniels is probably too busy writing about going to Argos to buy some clocks to take the role, so The Wiggles will have to look elsewhere.
Wait a minute… magician? Loves children? We think we may have just the guy, so long as The Wiggles have room to fit a massive gyroscope onto their tourbus…