Yay! Here’s Another Denise Richards/ Charlie Sheen Spaz-Out

By our calculations it’s been three seconds since Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen last had a humiliating wibble in public.

And that means, you guessed it, it’s time for another one. And this one is serious! Denise Richards has trotted off to court to request an emergency order restricting Charlie Sheen’s access to their children. According to Denise Richards, there’s a serious issue in Charlie Sheen’s home that could have an adverse effect on the children.

Since this is Charlie Sheen we’re talking about, we’ve whittled the possible causes for concern down to a) whores, b) drugs or c) DVD copies of Two And A Half Men. For the children’s sake we can only pray that it’s not the latter. They’re just children, for crying out loud.

Imagine that it’s your job to decide whether Denise Richards or Charlie Sheen is a more suitable parent. Imagine that’s what you do every day. What a shit job that must be. You’d idle hours away wishing that you’d studied something more sensible at college, wouldn’t you, like dipping your genitals into wasps’ nests or seeing how many times you could kick a sleeping crocodile in the mouth before it woke up.

But someone does have that job and, by christ, are they ever earning their money. The choice between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards is essentially a choice between a man with a history chocked full of drugs and whores, and a woman who throws computers at the elderly.

What’s more, Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen really hate each other. Denise hates Charlie so much that she made a reality TV show called Denise Richards: The Father Of My Children Is A Gigantic Dicksplat or something, and Charlie hates Denise so much he won’t even give her any of his sperm. The pair of them aren’t getting any friendlier, either.

We know this because, for the trillionth time this year, Denise Richards has requested an emergency order from a court banning Charlie Sheen from seeing his kids. Why? OK! knows why:

At an emergency hearing, the 37-year-old claimed there were serious issues at the actor’s home that need to be evaluated before the children could visit – allegations Charlie’s team is leery of.

OK, so maybe OK! doesn’t know why. Nobody knows why, in fact. And they won’t know until next week, because the proper judge is on holiday and the stand-in judge doesn’t want anything to do with it because, clearly, she is a very sensible woman.

So in the meantime at least we have a nice firework display between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards to sit back and admire. Now Charlie’s lawyers are claiming that this is all just a lot of hot air designed to detract from his recent Emmy nomination and make him less likely to win.

We’d be inclined to disagree with this because, if anything, it has raised awareness of Charlie’s Emmy nomination. It doesn’t mean he stands a better chance of winning it now because he’s been nominated for Two And A Half Men, and surely people aren’t stupid enough to let that win anything, other than a box of Anthrax.

So that’s that. Chances are next week we’ll discover what issue was so serious that it made Denise Richards try to call an emergency hearing.

And even if we don’t, it’s no big deal - she’s probably going to try and call another six or seven before the month is out.